My car karma
May 3, 2010
I hate Mr. Mike ________ so much.
Settings are handy.
April 27, 2010
Just realized that my blog has been set in the wrong timezone for forever.
Meaning that if I’ve written an entry in the morning, it says it’s after 5 or so in the evening.
I was off by about… oh, lots of hours.
But it’s fixed now.
So. Go me.
Apparently that setting button is supposed to be used for something.
Ice Cream might grow on me.
April 25, 2010
Bruster’s has Key Lime Pie ice cream.
Not quite as good as the Key Lime Pie martini I had in Newport… but. a worthy addition to my Key Lime Pie obsession.
yes. Key Lime Pie is ALWAYS to be capitalized.
It deserves that much.
sniff.
sniff sniff.
When tornadoes attack.
April 23, 2010
Being diagnosed with OCD at 27 or so was a big AH HA! moment in my life.
I never thought I was crazy, but it always seemed to me that other people simply COULDN’T worry this much on a day to day basis.
Now, my worries have never been debillitating.
I still function.
I just function in a much more prepared way than normal people.
To a ridiculous extent.
As I get older and can identify the patterns better I notice that in some ways I’m getting worse.
Always a worrywart, I now carry the heavyweight title in that category and tend to drive my husband insane.
A few fears that were always a problem for me?
The dark. I’m terrified of the dark. I have managed to begin sleeping, for the first time in my life, with the lights off consistently.
Storms. I’m terrified of storms. Severe storm warnings and tornado warnings will send my heart into a rate that only a marathon could match. Thirty minutes after getting home during these warnings I will have turned one of the bathrooms into a state of the art storm shelter – with my daughter and my dogs tucked as safely as possible inside for the duration of the event. I’ll monitor the tv channels and text messages from my storm chaser friends with the same sharpness that a hawk uses before downing it’s prey. I use my super hearing (not exaggerating on this one – I can hear fairly well for a few miles… unfortunately there is no siren in that radius) to keep track of the wind outside and my sheer paranoia keeps me trudging from window to window, watching the cloud formations that so often warn of bad weather.
Which brings me to tonight.
Major weather event planned for the next 24 hours or so. A ‘Tornado Swarm’ as one website called it.
I’ve never seen those two words together before and my heart has complied quite willingly with the fear overtaking my body.
My list of preps is ready.
A shower – southern girls aren’t going to be caught in a disaster dirty – we’ll be clean with clean underwear.
blankets, mattresses to the ready.
Clean water.
ID on hand.
Rubber soled shoes.
Weather radio – a new one purchased today! With extra batteries.
A fully charged phone.
Flashlights, candles, batteries, and a generator.
When I think about this from a distance I’m amused at how nutty I sound.
But.
I’d rather be a prepared nut than an unprepared idiot.
And this is where my husband and I differ.
I’d love to move away from Tornado Alley.
Facing blizzards – no big deal. wah.
Hurricanes? A couple days prep BUT the threat of losing everything all at once.
Earthquakes? HELLS to the no.
Wildfires? I don’t think so, California.
You get the idea.
When Abbey gets older and I have more freedom, you’ll see me ANYWHERE but in a tornado prone area.
Complete with a basement AND a storm shelter. Just in case.
But until then?
Well. Just let me know if you think of something I left off of my short list.
How NESS makes a word better.
April 22, 2010
Will try to tone this down a bit.
TRY.
Have been knitting a lot more lately.
It’s great to be out from under the giant cloud of stress that was eating my knitting motivation – enough so that I am currently working on SIX new projects.
SIX!
Six that I’m excited about.
And since I apparently am rejected by unmentioned omission from the blogging site formed with two friends in a giggle of L names and laughter, I’ll have to just mention it here now, won’t I?
Ahem.
Oops.
That got away from me there for a minute.
But SIX! Projects.
4 pairs of sock awesomeness. 2 of which are almost finished!
1 shawl of gorgeousness. Yum.
1 baby blanket of cute sophisticatedness. Yes. It’s a word.
Of course, keeping track of which needles are on what has become a bit of a project.
And I’ve learned a few things about the yarn I’m dealing with.
Like.
I HATE Noro Kureyon sock yarn. gorgeous colors. Hate with a fiery passion previously only reserved for morning people and broccoli.
I love Cookie’s yarn patterns but apparently am too right brained to successfully identify the pattern on the first try.
And.
I really, really, really love magic loop – and really, really, really suck at it.
Sort of like peeing standing up, I suppose.
Great idea, harder to put into practice.
Or well, more difficult if you don’t like pee on your leg.
And I am assuming I’d be against that particular feeling.
My hands tend to ache after a few hours of knitting – I don’t know if my years of computer jobs is starting to kick my butt or if there is some form of knitting related arthritis that I am previously unaware of.
But, that is derailing progress on my bigger projects.
Lace knitting takes a lot out of me when it comes to finding time and peace to knit and concentrate in.
All in all, quite a successful Spring so far.
I’ll aim for pictures soon to show off.
But for now I just want a midget to massage my wrists for me.
When Dad has a point.
April 22, 2010
My dad mentioned last night that I’m more bitter than I have been in previous years.
That’s not really an easy thing to hear, especially when you’re a person who works so hard on shedding the bad mojo to move on happily with your life.
I know you can’t shrug off everything but the fact that it’s showing to outsiders tells me the problem is much more serious than I thought.
Granted, serious is a relative thing – I’m very happy and mostly well-adjusted even.
But the situation with my daughter and my husband has led me to a place of pain that doesn’t overwhelm so much as it always exists.
I didn’t realize being married would make such a difference to being apart and being caught in this mess of my own making.
But it does.
And I didn’t realize that being the parent of a teenager would cause me to long for a little bit of help – not because I can’t handle her or our life together, but because sometimes SHE deserves a person with a different perspective.
But she’s got me.
Nick can’t help from MN and Abbey’s father isn’t active when the going gets tough, so…
Yeah.
I get angry.
She deserves a male father figure in her life that loves her enough to put himself out for her.
And Ben doesn’t do it, and Nick doesn’t have the opportunity.
I blame myself for part of it.
And I’m angry for making such a bad male choice.
Of course… who makes good ones at 15?
Watching the people I love hurt is not something I’m good at.
I’m a mother.
Mothering takes up a good portion of my time and energy, whether it’s focused on my child or someone else.
It doesn’t turn off.
It doesn’t go away.
Being caught in a place that I can neither fix nor escape means that I feel like a failure.
I KNOW my daughter is better off with me.
With me she has the only chance of seeing everyone she loves as much as possible.
With me she has the chance of being able to grow up and make her own choices AND face the consequences.
There are punishments and rewards.
With me she has the only chance of being inspired to go after her dreams and motivations instead of being tempted to settle for what she can get to make others happy.
Sure, I’d love for her to choose the things I think are good for her, but even more than that, I’d love for her to choose the things that ARE good for her – and only by having that freedom and making good decisions and bad ones can you get to that special place.
I know I’m the only one that works hard on making sure her environment is as happy and conflict free as possible.
And even though that means right now that I can’t be as much fun as I would like to be – teenagers provide plenty of opportunities for discipline and restrictions of themselves – it also means that I am giving my all to parenting this wonderful child I was blessed with.
Not just seeing what I can get out of it.
Or angling for the most time.
Sometimes the best thing for her is for me to say no.
And sometimes the best thing for her is for me to push forward and change our reality.
I freeze in fear though. Sometimes.
And sometimes I am angry.
The three of us deserve better.
Pause. And reflect.
April 14, 2010
Not that this is related to anything going on in my life, but I’m somewhat in awe of the fact that people are willing to pay Sarah Palin that much damned money to speak.
I’m willing to pay her to shut up, but I can’t imagine wanting to hear her speak unless I was in the mood for a good healthy dose of What The Fuck.
C’mon Thursday!
April 13, 2010
My nerves are getting the best of me.
My mood is sunshine-y and bright the past few days and I am almost jumping out of my skin waiting for Thursday to get here for me to see those gorgeous brown eyes get off that plane from Minneapolis – hopefully with the rest of my husband’s body of course.
Tax prep and daily bumps in the road have served to show me just how much better my life would be with him around from a pragmatic reasoning… but the grin on my face and nerves in my stomach tell me that I just need him around as a woman needs her man around – I’ve not ever dated someone that still gave me butterflies almost 6 years into it!
He confounds me and unnerves me. Angers me and humors me. The days may sometimes be the same but they are never boring with my Dr. Husband.
He would laugh if he could see me trying makeup and clothes on in the hopes that he’ll think I’m beautiful – as though we had just started dating.
I’m ridiculous.
But, it’s a great feeling.
Abbey’s a bit jealous that she can’t go see him this week – I feel so bad that she hasn’t gotten a chance to spend time with him lately.
He and I will have to make plans to change that – she misses him terribly.
In the meantime, for her, summer visitation is rushing up to greet us – only it greets us with a kick in the nads – we hate this time of year.
Oh, she’s excited to get out of school, but says she ‘needs her mama.’
Her mama needs her too.
Still, I am lucky that visitation started when she was 2 – that means that I rarely face any screaming fits and refusals to go anymore. She’s used to it – it’s all she can remember.
It’s hard to think that, but hopefully her life with me has convinced her that a slightly abnormal family in the sense of the traditional definition isn’t so bad.
She’s a good kid and I adore her.
Still. I’m going to enjoy crawling into bed with that man of mine this weekend.
Time is taking forever to pass before the 4 days of Nick time – 4 days that will feel as short as 4 hours.
He better be over the moon to see me, damnit. 
Sunshine and pollen.
April 12, 2010
Life is moving right along, which is fun.
My brother is being commissioned as an officer in the Navy later this week. I can’t believe it. I think it was only yesterday that I met right after his high school graduation.
The years have given him a degree and a future in the Navy.
My sister is due to graduate with her degree in May. Another surprise. Not that I thought she couldn’t do it – more that I wondered if she would. Parenting and school are hard at the same time, especially with a young one.
But even Brayden is growing so fast. He starts preschool this year and actual kindergarten next year.
Wasn’t he born yesterday or the day before?!
My little monkey is starting school.
My best friend is having a baby.
Not right this second – these things need a little baking time, but the fact is that she’s a’bakin’ at this moment.
Another shock.
When I was younger it never occured to me that my friends having children was odd. Mainly because it’s not, it’s biological.
But having seen how my friendships and life have changed having a child, it’s interesting to see how it affects other new parents.
You don’t lose friends, really – they evolve.
And you don’t lose the things you love in life, you just change priorities.
But it is a huge change – you long for the days when you could go to the bathroom by yourself and I can’t wait to see how wonderful a parent she is going to be.
Plus.
I like other people’s kids.
I won’t lie though.
It’s made my clock tick.
This insane little figurative device that kept its mouth shut for years is now screaming at me.
And voicing the words ‘either a puppy or baby!’ to my husband probably wouldn’t give me the answer I would expect.
He’s all for babies.
The sun has been shining outside for the majority of this month and it makes me crazy to be outside.
The pollen levels are high, my grey car has turned a dingy green-yellow, and my eyes are swelling shut but I can’t wait for the work day to end so I can once again be in that happy sunshine.
I told you I was crazy.
Weight Watchers is going well. I’m smaller and smaller. I’m still huge, but smaller for me and I’ll take it.
As long as my husband recognizes it when I see him Thursday.
I’ve only provided him with 4 billion hints.
I think he’ll get the picture.
I’ve a grin on my face and the clock is ticking by quickly.
This is turning out to be a great day.
The basics of parenting.
March 31, 2010
Being a parent is hard.
I know everyone says that a lot and I can assure you that no matter how many times you say it, it’s true every single time.
There’s no greater love than that for a parent and a child. I could like quite easily without my husband, though I love him quite a bit, but living without Abbey would be another ball of wax completely.
That being said, there is no greater pain or fear than that that comes along with parenting.
You worry if you’re spending enough time with them.
If you’re spending enough of the right time with them.
If your punishments fit the crime.
What to do if they don’t.
If you’re a single parent you wonder why you are always the only one punishing the child.
Why you are stuck with all of the responsibility and yet the child seems to appreciate the fun times with their other parent with a more exuberant joy than those with you because there is never any punishment.
You worry about the influences at home, the outside influences, the lack of influences, the lack of motivation.
You worry that you’re pushing too hard, being too soft a spot for them to land on when they fall and you worry about not being there when they need you the most.
Or them not being able to tell you that they need you.
You want to slay the dragons without being the dragon.
You want to teach them without shoving the knowledge and lessons into their head.
And when all of these worries take place every second of every day, well, then congrats – you’re a parent.
And it’s hard.
It hurts. Hurts so incredibly much when they try so hard for a goal they don’t reach.
It hurts when they fight with their friends.
It hurts when they fight with you and tell their friends what a monster you are.
It hurts when they tell the other parent stories to keep from accepting responsibility for their own actions – which then throws you right back into the tumultuous merry-go-round of ‘what do I do about this?!’
It hurts when their heart hurts.
It hurts when the parent/child togetherness time is a drag, as it so often begins to be in their teenage years.
I’ve had broken hearts and I’ve been a parent and I can tell you this.
There is no greater capacity for love and pain than that which parents carry around with them.
And there is nothing else on this planet that is quite as worth it.
Or that can bring you as much happiness.
We’re struggling right now, Abbey and I.
I want her to take responsibility without feeling useless.
I want her to close her mouth and open her ears so the need for attitude and arguments with friends and teachers and adults alike disappears.
I want her to stop telling her stepmother and father tales about the situations that she finds herself in.
I want to not have to be the bad guy all of the time because I’m the only adult.
If that child only had one iota of an inkling of how much love I have for her – how often I think of her – how awesome a kid I think she is, even when she’s hard-headed and dramatic.
If she knew all of the good things I wish for her… I have to hope that it would make a difference in the outcome of all of this.
I have to hope that she’d choose what was right for her instead of what is easier and more fun at the moment.
Or choosing what has less consequences.
If there is anything I’ve learned it’s that the right thing to do is generally the toughest.
Tough love.
Hurts to receive. Hurts a helluva lot more to give.
