Practicing political tolerance.
September 8, 2011
I’m having a hard time.
Every 4 years the flashiest sporting event comes around – yes. The presidential elections.
And every year it gets a little harder for me to keep my mouth shut.
After all, how can people believe THIS or THAT?
Did they not do the math?
Not read between the lines?
Not spend hours fact-checking to make sure they had the facts of the matter before spreading their opinion around sheep-like?
And the emails. Dear heavens. The emails.
Political forwards, sent from family member to family member – and eventually to me.
Only. I don’t agree.
I’ve never agreed.
I don’t believe that all immigrants should HAVE to speak English before gaining citizenship or residency status. I’m rather glad my ancestors weren’t held to that standard or I’d have ended up in a completely different place. How egocentric is it that folks feel that folks trying to make a better life for themselves should learn our language to make things easier on US?
And.
Yes.
Outbursts like that.
So I take deep breaths and mute conversations that get me too worked up.
I pass on responding to many comments that seem so ignorant to me.
Politics aside, people deserve to have opinions, whether based upon their research or not.
They can base it on a clown’s nose stuffed up a dog’s butt if they want to and you know what?
I still need to respect their right to voice their opinion without forcing them to swallow mine.
And that is what I’m trying like HELL to remember.
Leather pants probably wouldn’t help me either.
October 6, 2010
Songs MEAN something.
You can ask everyone around you and you’ll find that there are certain songs that they hear that immediately transport them into a mood, a memory, or even an alternate reality.
Some songs do all of those things.
For instance, I can listen to “Dreams” by the Cranberries and immediately be filled with a cheerful, purposeful feeling.
Edwin Starr’s “War” puts me in a head-bobbing, ridiculously silly mood.
And, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by the Stones brings to mind many things – frustrating my child when she was younger and begging for new toys, my basic theory on why my custody battle will never stop going or stop hurting, and Mick Jagger in leather pants. Creepy.
I found myself yesterday singing this particular song aloud at my desk. Complete with Jagger facial expressions and vocal stylings.
And by found myself, try realized I was doing so only after getting strange stares and pointed questions.
Le sigh.
You really can’t always get what you want.
When times are hard I try to remind myself of how blessed I am.
A great family, great friends, great job, great life.
But it’s hard.
Hard right now to think of positive things when this never-ending custody battle is draining the life out of me. Dramatic, I know, but as a parent you’re designed – to the core – to protect your children at all costs. Right now I can’t do that.
It’s not even a topic that she would have faced in the Life’s-Not-Fair adulthood school – it’s one of my own making and this total limbo of not having a decision is eating her up.
I seem to be the only one aware of this. Aware that it’s bigger than his rights/my rights. What gives parents the right to screw up their kid in their own selfishness?
Why is the fact that she’s hurting not THE most important thing?
I get tense even typing this.
I’m scared to death for all of us.
I can’t get what I want. She can’t get what she needs.
My car karma
May 3, 2010
I hate Mr. Mike ________ so much.
Runneth over.
January 22, 2010
I don’t talk about this much.
Not out loud.
I lost a friend during my wedding.
It started long before the actual official losing and I’m still not sure why.
I lost someone I love very much, who knows me about as well as anyone.
I hurt that person unintentionally during my busy day and for that I’m incredibly sorry.
The reason behind the hurt makes sense logically and emotionally but the continuation and holding on to that hurt/anger does not.
So. That hurts too – that it seems such a small thing to throw away a friendship that has lasted more than half of my life.
That I’d hoped that person would know that I would sooner step in front of a bus than hurt her intentionally.
That that doesn’t matter stings.
Right now that person apparently has some changes going on in her life.
They’re not mine to speak of, but knowing that she neither cares nor wants to hear from me seems. Wrong.
It hurts.
So, I’ll say here, because I can’t say it anywhere else.
I love you, Les.
I love you like a sister.
I’m so glad that these changes in your life are bringing about happy things and that events in your life are happening that you never really thought would.
I wish all of you – the entire lot of you – the very best.
And I hope you know that no matter what, you can always come to me.
Whirlpool.
November 16, 2009
Oh, God.
Oh GOD.
I feel myself being sucked down despite my best intentions.
So far calling the doctor repeatedly hasn’t worked. I can’t concentrate enough to think of what might.
The cycle that always begins after the meds disappear is familiar and painful at the same time. I’m not going crazy because I spent 28 years of my life feeling this way and I know how to handle it and take care of responsibilities and keep everyone around me mostly happy.
So it’s not craziness.
I’m not unable to handle things, I’m not becoming a bad parent, I’m not failing at work, I’m not behind on bills or responsibilities or planning.
Logically knowing that doesn’t take away from the fact that part of me feels like I’m going crazy because the medicine makes such a difference.
And this pattern is so familiar that it’s heartbreaking. Watching it come and being somewhat powerless at the moment is an odd feeling. But despite my best planning, a few glitches in the marriage/insurance changeovers have caused me to reach this point and so I can just brace myself.
I’d be fooling myself if I said this was only on the inside and doesn’t affect those around me. I’d also be fooling myself AND punishing myself if I said this is drastically affecting their lives.
The main change to outsiders is that I cry more. But we’re a family of criers so my lack of crying was as odd to them as purple elephants would have been.
So it’s comforting in a small way to know that this is barely a glitch to them.
It’s just me – and my husband – that feel the weight of this.
And he doesn’t understand how this works necessarily – but being 900 miles away is hard for a man who loves to fix situations and make people happy.
So this whirlpool isn’t unfamiliar.
Isn’t large by anyone’s standards.
But I’m standing above it, staring down.
I’ll be fine.
We’ll be fine.
And I know this.
But boy do I hate seeing the waters swirling below me/before me.
Life is a battlefield.
November 6, 2009
I’ll be honest.
I’m slow to anger.
Quick to get over it.
I always have been.
The idea of holding on to something so tightly that you keep those negative feelings with you is so alien to me – but I realize that it’s quite natural for some people.
Some people wouldn’t have a clue how to get past things even if they tried.
Because they don’t come very natural to me at all, I’ve always thought grudges were a waste and unhealthy.
I still do, but apparently, at the moment, I am the object of one.
Rather sad, considering the person who is angry with me – not someone I’d ever want angry with me. I love them dearly.
And I’m also flabbergasted.
The event that happened – and I’m not naming her or the event – happened on my wedding day.
Some things I don’t remember about my wedding day, especially the beginning of it.
I remember being so nervous that I was throwing up all morning.
I remember feeling as though I were moving through a fog.
I remember the constant phone calls, giving directions, answering questions, getting last minute decor and items to where they needed to go – or at least delegating that part.
Some things couldn’t be found.
Some things STILL have yet to be found.
One of those things lost on that day (but found a few days later) is at the root of this problem.
A gift that this person put TONS of hard work into. Hours you can’t even imagine.
I chose not to mention on the day of that this item was missing and in doing so either made the impression that it didn’t matter or she wasn’t appreciated.
I’ve apologized days later when I realized (as my brain calmed down) that I hadn’t before.
To no avail.
She’s a grudge holder.
And I love her dearly and hate this negative feeling that she holds. I hate it for her.
Especially since she does have a reason to be hurt and angry. Had I explained on the day of, perhaps this would have been taken care of.
The situation itself was one of those things – not planned, but regretted – that happens in our lives.
I couldn’t have taken upon the responsibility of finding the item that morning.
And those that tried couldn’t make heads nor tails of the chaos the day brought.
I have no idea where it was during the search or how it ended up at my apartment afterwards.
But my apology was sincere.
I do sincerely regret that she was hurt.
I am actually very selfishly regretting the missed photo opportunity, which I’ll be honest enough to admit upsetted me on the day of more than most anything else. The gift is gorgeous and I’m materialistic.
I’m not sure if I could do more to make up for it.
But grudges are unfamiliar creatures and I can’t battle the pathways of one and come out sanely.
So I’ll sit back and wait for her to work through whatever one has to work through.
It hurts though.
It was my wedding day.
And I’m frustrated enough to note that she never asked about said item nor brought up afterwards that she was upset with me.
I don’t think that’s fair – not after this many years of friendship. I think that’s really unfair.
But honest enough to know that admitting organization fault immediately should have been my first choice.
I don’t want to count this heavy cloud of awfulness as a memory on my wedding day – a pall on it.
But I suppose it is/will be.
Have a lost a friend for good?
I don’t know.
It would seem very silly if that were the case.
An absent-minded bride is hardly an unusual thing.
If sincere regret and apologies don’t help, well.
I have no weapons to fight this battle with then.
I suppose I’ll have to retreat and regroup.
And wait for her to make the first move.
Fun with the USELESS post office.
September 25, 2009
Me: I’m calling to find out about a package that’s out for delivery – but the mail carrier has already been by and it’s not delivered. May I come pick it up?
Them: No. It’s with the carrier.
Me: Why would he have it on the truck and not deliver it?
Them: I can’t speculate, ma’am. But you cannot pick it up until they leave a delivery notification.
Me: But I work for a big company, I doubt we’ll get one. Anyway – It’s supposed to come today because it’s the 2 day service.
Them: That’s 2-3 days. And you always get a delivery notification if we try to delivery and no one is there.
Me: There are hundreds of people here – I’m pretty sure you could find someone to sign for it. So I should expect it on Monday at the latest?
Them: No ma’am. I cannot speculate. It’s not a guaranteed delivery.
Me: Then why do you charge extra for it?
Them: We’re charging you for the estimation of delivery.
Me: I estimate it won’t get delivered today – does that now mean you owe me?
Them: No, Ma’am.
Me: So what you’re saying is you basically have no idea where the package is, correct?
Them: I can’t speculate on that since I’m not the carrier.
Me: But the carrier who scanned the package for delivery didn’t CARRY it to the delivery location. Do you know of any reason why a carrier might just hold on to a box?
Them: I’m sure they’re not just holding on to it, you should receive it within 5 business days.
Me: But I paid for 2. If it goes over, do I get a refund?
It continued.
I didn’t end up winning the war, of course. It’s the freaking Post Office.
But by the end of the conversation, she was as pissed off as I was.
So I think the points for the BATTLE… belong to me.
Doing the math.
August 14, 2009
My having run out of meds is hitting hard today, as the nerves of this all gang up on me.
I can’t afford the meds, really… I’m totally broke on one hand and trying to deal with inflated summer energy/gas/spending bills.
It doesn’t help that I have absolutely no control over the family purse strings – this long distance separation means that I have barely any recourse.
And Nick’s quite the control freak when it comes to money.
Not a bad thing – a good thing, but he doesn’t have the list in front of him of things remaining to do and I do.
It’s massive.
Huge.
And all has to be done in the last two weekends I have free.
THIS one and one in September.
And then I get married.
That’s all I have free.
And he seems to think I need to be okay with waiting.
Because he doesn’t want to take money out of savings.
And I get that.
But the wedding planning can’t be based around our paydays – some weeks need more, some need less – which is how we end up with the rest in savings anyway…
AND is why we’re saving?
Bah.
Yes. Everything costs more than originally planned.
I can’t explain that logically, except that – well. When I’m nuts, life turns nuts.
And when life turns nuts, it makes me more nuts.
And when I’m more nuts, I don’t plan as well as I should.
And I’m not a bargain shopper to begin with.
That’s not to say I don’t have bargains.
Just that I’m annoyed I had to shop for them.
And being in the mood I am today – with everything hitting hard.
Well.
Annoyances multiply.
Great trip.
August 10, 2009
Dallas was a ton of fun.
Not only did I get a little tipsy with one of my best friends and my photographer, but I was able to see another awesome friend and get some major ribbonage done.
Okay, so the re-ribboning of the soaps took about 10 minutes,… much less than we expected because we discovered, to our delight, that the original ribbons were still tied – had just been slipped off – and were easily reinstated in their original positions.
Shoe shopping was a bust. Apparently gold shoes are going out QUICKLY and I’d recommend for any of my girls that they get them RIGHT NOW – the number of shoes out there has diminished dramatically.
Krista and I spent hours looking and getting more and more frustrated.
Think cranky kids in a candy store – knowing we’re not able to eat any.
I guess that doesn’t really apply.
This is like the candy store that ran out of candy.
Yes, that’s a better example.
I definitely am blessed that I have such an awesome friend helping me on the wedding.
I don’t get to see my friends much – I can only socialize on the weekends and even then I’m done by 9 at night.
It feels very much like I never get to see anyone.
And with my MASSIVE… hugely massively MASSIVE to do list, it’s getting to be a little stressful.
Today was the first day of school for Abbey – which means that we’re back to going back and forth between the two residences in order to keep with the custody agreement.
And this is frustrating as well – because all of my projects have many parts – and I can’t lug them around constantly.
I won’t have enough time – have enough effort.
And I REALLY don’t want to live with anyone else having had that break.
So… I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do.
I’m literally starting to head-to-toe panic about the details and what isn’t done.
And the weight of that… bah.
I’ll figure out something though.
K’s been an awesomely huge help and Manda is so great with all her suggestions.
Mom is being so patient with me and even Abbey is getting excited about parts of it.
I just… I’m tired and I’m stressed today.
I miss my friends.
I need help.
I need money, as does everyone.
And I need people not to give me stress or drama regarding stupid things.
And I need to have gotten into bed earlier last night.
Boo to insomnia.
Photo Tears
August 5, 2009
So, some of you may remember me sporting a little Canon everywhere I went…
It died.
Not really sure how or what happened – the little button on the top just broke off of it.
Everything else was fine, just bye-bye button.
And this is just a small thing – but I really miss that camera.
Especially now, doing all this wedding planning.
There is so much I want to record and take pictures of but I can’t.
Anyone else ever have just a little inconvenience turn into a more major one over time?
