My car karma
May 3, 2010
I hate Mr. Mike ________ so much.
Runneth over.
January 22, 2010
I don’t talk about this much.
Not out loud.
I lost a friend during my wedding.
It started long before the actual official losing and I’m still not sure why.
I lost someone I love very much, who knows me about as well as anyone.
I hurt that person unintentionally during my busy day and for that I’m incredibly sorry.
The reason behind the hurt makes sense logically and emotionally but the continuation and holding on to that hurt/anger does not.
So. That hurts too – that it seems such a small thing to throw away a friendship that has lasted more than half of my life.
That I’d hoped that person would know that I would sooner step in front of a bus than hurt her intentionally.
That that doesn’t matter stings.
Right now that person apparently has some changes going on in her life.
They’re not mine to speak of, but knowing that she neither cares nor wants to hear from me seems. Wrong.
It hurts.
So, I’ll say here, because I can’t say it anywhere else.
I love you, Les.
I love you like a sister.
I’m so glad that these changes in your life are bringing about happy things and that events in your life are happening that you never really thought would.
I wish all of you – the entire lot of you – the very best.
And I hope you know that no matter what, you can always come to me.
Whirlpool.
November 16, 2009
Oh, God.
Oh GOD.
I feel myself being sucked down despite my best intentions.
So far calling the doctor repeatedly hasn’t worked. I can’t concentrate enough to think of what might.
The cycle that always begins after the meds disappear is familiar and painful at the same time. I’m not going crazy because I spent 28 years of my life feeling this way and I know how to handle it and take care of responsibilities and keep everyone around me mostly happy.
So it’s not craziness.
I’m not unable to handle things, I’m not becoming a bad parent, I’m not failing at work, I’m not behind on bills or responsibilities or planning.
Logically knowing that doesn’t take away from the fact that part of me feels like I’m going crazy because the medicine makes such a difference.
And this pattern is so familiar that it’s heartbreaking. Watching it come and being somewhat powerless at the moment is an odd feeling. But despite my best planning, a few glitches in the marriage/insurance changeovers have caused me to reach this point and so I can just brace myself.
I’d be fooling myself if I said this was only on the inside and doesn’t affect those around me. I’d also be fooling myself AND punishing myself if I said this is drastically affecting their lives.
The main change to outsiders is that I cry more. But we’re a family of criers so my lack of crying was as odd to them as purple elephants would have been.
So it’s comforting in a small way to know that this is barely a glitch to them.
It’s just me – and my husband – that feel the weight of this.
And he doesn’t understand how this works necessarily – but being 900 miles away is hard for a man who loves to fix situations and make people happy.
So this whirlpool isn’t unfamiliar.
Isn’t large by anyone’s standards.
But I’m standing above it, staring down.
I’ll be fine.
We’ll be fine.
And I know this.
But boy do I hate seeing the waters swirling below me/before me.
Life is a battlefield.
November 6, 2009
I’ll be honest.
I’m slow to anger.
Quick to get over it.
I always have been.
The idea of holding on to something so tightly that you keep those negative feelings with you is so alien to me – but I realize that it’s quite natural for some people.
Some people wouldn’t have a clue how to get past things even if they tried.
Because they don’t come very natural to me at all, I’ve always thought grudges were a waste and unhealthy.
I still do, but apparently, at the moment, I am the object of one.
Rather sad, considering the person who is angry with me – not someone I’d ever want angry with me. I love them dearly.
And I’m also flabbergasted.
The event that happened – and I’m not naming her or the event – happened on my wedding day.
Some things I don’t remember about my wedding day, especially the beginning of it.
I remember being so nervous that I was throwing up all morning.
I remember feeling as though I were moving through a fog.
I remember the constant phone calls, giving directions, answering questions, getting last minute decor and items to where they needed to go – or at least delegating that part.
Some things couldn’t be found.
Some things STILL have yet to be found.
One of those things lost on that day (but found a few days later) is at the root of this problem.
A gift that this person put TONS of hard work into. Hours you can’t even imagine.
I chose not to mention on the day of that this item was missing and in doing so either made the impression that it didn’t matter or she wasn’t appreciated.
I’ve apologized days later when I realized (as my brain calmed down) that I hadn’t before.
To no avail.
She’s a grudge holder.
And I love her dearly and hate this negative feeling that she holds. I hate it for her.
Especially since she does have a reason to be hurt and angry. Had I explained on the day of, perhaps this would have been taken care of.
The situation itself was one of those things – not planned, but regretted – that happens in our lives.
I couldn’t have taken upon the responsibility of finding the item that morning.
And those that tried couldn’t make heads nor tails of the chaos the day brought.
I have no idea where it was during the search or how it ended up at my apartment afterwards.
But my apology was sincere.
I do sincerely regret that she was hurt.
I am actually very selfishly regretting the missed photo opportunity, which I’ll be honest enough to admit upsetted me on the day of more than most anything else. The gift is gorgeous and I’m materialistic.
I’m not sure if I could do more to make up for it.
But grudges are unfamiliar creatures and I can’t battle the pathways of one and come out sanely.
So I’ll sit back and wait for her to work through whatever one has to work through.
It hurts though.
It was my wedding day.
And I’m frustrated enough to note that she never asked about said item nor brought up afterwards that she was upset with me.
I don’t think that’s fair – not after this many years of friendship. I think that’s really unfair.
But honest enough to know that admitting organization fault immediately should have been my first choice.
I don’t want to count this heavy cloud of awfulness as a memory on my wedding day – a pall on it.
But I suppose it is/will be.
Have a lost a friend for good?
I don’t know.
It would seem very silly if that were the case.
An absent-minded bride is hardly an unusual thing.
If sincere regret and apologies don’t help, well.
I have no weapons to fight this battle with then.
I suppose I’ll have to retreat and regroup.
And wait for her to make the first move.
Fun with the USELESS post office.
September 25, 2009
Me: I’m calling to find out about a package that’s out for delivery – but the mail carrier has already been by and it’s not delivered. May I come pick it up?
Them: No. It’s with the carrier.
Me: Why would he have it on the truck and not deliver it?
Them: I can’t speculate, ma’am. But you cannot pick it up until they leave a delivery notification.
Me: But I work for a big company, I doubt we’ll get one. Anyway – It’s supposed to come today because it’s the 2 day service.
Them: That’s 2-3 days. And you always get a delivery notification if we try to delivery and no one is there.
Me: There are hundreds of people here – I’m pretty sure you could find someone to sign for it. So I should expect it on Monday at the latest?
Them: No ma’am. I cannot speculate. It’s not a guaranteed delivery.
Me: Then why do you charge extra for it?
Them: We’re charging you for the estimation of delivery.
Me: I estimate it won’t get delivered today – does that now mean you owe me?
Them: No, Ma’am.
Me: So what you’re saying is you basically have no idea where the package is, correct?
Them: I can’t speculate on that since I’m not the carrier.
Me: But the carrier who scanned the package for delivery didn’t CARRY it to the delivery location. Do you know of any reason why a carrier might just hold on to a box?
Them: I’m sure they’re not just holding on to it, you should receive it within 5 business days.
Me: But I paid for 2. If it goes over, do I get a refund?
It continued.
I didn’t end up winning the war, of course. It’s the freaking Post Office.
But by the end of the conversation, she was as pissed off as I was.
So I think the points for the BATTLE… belong to me.
Doing the math.
August 14, 2009
My having run out of meds is hitting hard today, as the nerves of this all gang up on me.
I can’t afford the meds, really… I’m totally broke on one hand and trying to deal with inflated summer energy/gas/spending bills.
It doesn’t help that I have absolutely no control over the family purse strings – this long distance separation means that I have barely any recourse.
And Nick’s quite the control freak when it comes to money.
Not a bad thing – a good thing, but he doesn’t have the list in front of him of things remaining to do and I do.
It’s massive.
Huge.
And all has to be done in the last two weekends I have free.
THIS one and one in September.
And then I get married.
That’s all I have free.
And he seems to think I need to be okay with waiting.
Because he doesn’t want to take money out of savings.
And I get that.
But the wedding planning can’t be based around our paydays – some weeks need more, some need less – which is how we end up with the rest in savings anyway…
AND is why we’re saving?
Bah.
Yes. Everything costs more than originally planned.
I can’t explain that logically, except that – well. When I’m nuts, life turns nuts.
And when life turns nuts, it makes me more nuts.
And when I’m more nuts, I don’t plan as well as I should.
And I’m not a bargain shopper to begin with.
That’s not to say I don’t have bargains.
Just that I’m annoyed I had to shop for them.
And being in the mood I am today – with everything hitting hard.
Well.
Annoyances multiply.
Great trip.
August 10, 2009
Dallas was a ton of fun.
Not only did I get a little tipsy with one of my best friends and my photographer, but I was able to see another awesome friend and get some major ribbonage done.
Okay, so the re-ribboning of the soaps took about 10 minutes,… much less than we expected because we discovered, to our delight, that the original ribbons were still tied – had just been slipped off – and were easily reinstated in their original positions.
Shoe shopping was a bust. Apparently gold shoes are going out QUICKLY and I’d recommend for any of my girls that they get them RIGHT NOW – the number of shoes out there has diminished dramatically.
Krista and I spent hours looking and getting more and more frustrated.
Think cranky kids in a candy store – knowing we’re not able to eat any.
I guess that doesn’t really apply.
This is like the candy store that ran out of candy.
Yes, that’s a better example.
I definitely am blessed that I have such an awesome friend helping me on the wedding.
I don’t get to see my friends much – I can only socialize on the weekends and even then I’m done by 9 at night.
It feels very much like I never get to see anyone.
And with my MASSIVE… hugely massively MASSIVE to do list, it’s getting to be a little stressful.
Today was the first day of school for Abbey – which means that we’re back to going back and forth between the two residences in order to keep with the custody agreement.
And this is frustrating as well – because all of my projects have many parts – and I can’t lug them around constantly.
I won’t have enough time – have enough effort.
And I REALLY don’t want to live with anyone else having had that break.
So… I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do.
I’m literally starting to head-to-toe panic about the details and what isn’t done.
And the weight of that… bah.
I’ll figure out something though.
K’s been an awesomely huge help and Manda is so great with all her suggestions.
Mom is being so patient with me and even Abbey is getting excited about parts of it.
I just… I’m tired and I’m stressed today.
I miss my friends.
I need help.
I need money, as does everyone.
And I need people not to give me stress or drama regarding stupid things.
And I need to have gotten into bed earlier last night.
Boo to insomnia.
Photo Tears
August 5, 2009
So, some of you may remember me sporting a little Canon everywhere I went…
It died.
Not really sure how or what happened – the little button on the top just broke off of it.
Everything else was fine, just bye-bye button.
And this is just a small thing – but I really miss that camera.
Especially now, doing all this wedding planning.
There is so much I want to record and take pictures of but I can’t.
Anyone else ever have just a little inconvenience turn into a more major one over time?
Thoughts for the day.
August 4, 2009
1. I wish I hadn’t eaten junk food all day – I go to the trainer in less than an hour and I FEEL AWFUL.
2. No one, and I mean NO ONE better make me wear some stupid bachelorette sash when I’m not really into the night of abject drinking and tomfoolery anyway.
3. Who the hell cares if linens are floor length or waist length?
4. I hate people.
5. All these wedding photos make me want to gag today. They all look so happy and so WELL FINANCED. I want to live in the scenario where my retirement plans are my parents.
6. It’s hard to feel sorry for a man who’s worrying about his income to debt ratio when that same man just took a private jet to Aspen.
7. People that can DIY any and all of their wedding projects make me want to kick someone in the ear. I don’t care that they went on this mega spree and got enough to make 100 invitations for $25!!???!!!!! who gives a rat’s ass? I’d love to be the person only doing 100 invitations or feeding 100 people. Not that I mind having my entire family there, I don’t. It’s not about the money, but really – who likes a cheerful person that constantly tells you about all the great sales they have gotten – and their outfit looks better than the expensive-as-hell one you bought?
8. How the hell does one get started in Letterpress?
9. When you lose friends, I wish they’d just tell you instead of getting all bitchy with you so you’ll ‘get the picture.’ I don’t need to GET the picture. I need you to be grown up enough to SHOW me the picture because I don’t play friend charades very well. Too damned old for games.
10. I get that I’m a lazy friend and what not - I mean, I can keep up with the best of them online, but in person I just HAVE TOO MUCH TO DO to be social the majority of the time. But I’ll be there at your funeral, to dance at your wedding, and to hold you when you cry. If you won’t do the same for me, get to stepping. Unless you’re Lindsey and we’ve made a previously discussed arrangement. ;p And no, this doesn’t mean I hate you if you can’t make it to my wedding, I’m using it as an example of being there for me when I need you… I do have other subjects besides the wedding.
11. Speaking of the wedding, why do turtles have such a death wish? I’ve moved two out of the road this week on my newly discovered crusade to save the basking turtles. I know it’s warm, little buddies, but you guys don’t survive well in pancake form.
12. I hate that my favorite shoes always get discontinued. I decide to wait a week or two until it’s better to buy them, or I buy them and wear them out and can’t get them anymore. That just pisses me off. can’t they make extra pairs just for me? My black shoes are almost worn through – and I LOVE them… and I can’t find the Nina heels I drooled over anymore. Who the hell is running this footwear joint? I know I sound slightly amusingly pissed… I’m not. I’m actually pissed about this.
13. Why do people think that an antidepressant means you’re not allowed to have bad days anymore? Like the ‘magic pill’ is supposed to ward your life and opinions from anything and everything negative and you’re supposed to dance around to the musical theme of sunshine and rainbows. And if you don’t, it’s a personal slap in the face. Get the fuck over it. Being chemically imbalanced means being chemically imbalanced. I can’t plan for the off days. They just happen.
So there.
Steamy wishes.
July 23, 2009
Is it just me, or is a little chilly around here for a July day?
It’s not that they are cold.
They aren’t. Um. Well. Mostly.
It’s that people won’t stop telling me I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.
And it’s nothing personal to me or Nick.
They are talking about THEIR marriages and THEIR lives and how if THEY could do it all over again, well, they wouldn’t.
Happily married people are too busy with day to day stuff to scream about how this will be the best decision I’ve ever made and how it’ll be so awesome…
I guess because even if it’s true, it’s still going to be hard.
And we’re good.
We enjoyed the time with Father Greg.
We enjoyed the engagement party that no one got pictures of us at.
And then my wedding dress came in yesterday and I put it on and danced around the room, never wanting to take it off, loving that feeling, that image in my head of how I think I look in it, hoping Nick agrees come October…
And then my heart leapt.
October.
Is awfully close to September.
Which is pretty close to August.
Which is basically tomorrow.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
How can cold feet not equal bad thoughts?
But they don’t.
They just are the same cold feet I get before making job changes.
Before making lifestyle changes.
Before making ANY large change… just slightly bigger because this kind of combines them all.
And I don’t have doubts.
I just have panic.
And I can’t quite make it go away.
And I don’t know why it’s less about the marriage and more about the wedding.
This mental image of me freezing mid-aisle only to run like a crazy person to get away from it all.
Not him, not the marriage.
But the center of attention.
I do NOT want to be the center of attention when it’s not on my terms.
And in this rambling craziness I have to ask why it isn’t on my terms.
Why all of this breathes and moves on its own.
Couldn’t someone else stand in for me?
Or could I stand behind a curtain?
Preferably with Nicholas, as I’d like to have him see me in my dress.
Do I have to meet and greet and love and hug and think and plan and pay and dance and BE IN THE MIDDLE of everything?
I long for my warm socks.
