Yay for me.
September 2, 2009
These minute updates seem to come with longer spans of distance in between them lately.
It’s not that I don’t want to update, but I simply lack interesting stories to tell.
Or I’m too caught up in a life that is becoming increasingly complicated as October 10th surges closer and closer.
I’m THRILLED about marrying Nick… in a way that has only lately been catching up with me. I can’t believe he got so lucky, that he gets to keep me, and I can’t believe that I’m getting a guy that really does want to help make my life better, even if we don’t always agree on what it takes to do so.
I’m NOT thrilled about the wedding, as this thing has expanded into a mountain – something that does not reflect what this day means to me at ALL, but at the same time, I feel so much love from the people that are finding ways to expand this day… they all think they’re doing it in a way that would make me happy and that they’re trying makes me feel loved.
But telling everyone I wanted a small wedding wasn’t a joke. I just underestimated just how important this was to people who are important to me.
And so to the rest of the world I’ll keep my mouth shut.
At the end of the day we’ll all be happy.
I’ll have my silly photos in a wedding dress with a rubber chicken, they’ll have the big day that they want me to have, and I’ll be married to the most honorable man that I’ve ever met… that I’m not related to.
You see, the past weekend I went to two showers thrown by people that I’m beginning to know better. I met women I’ve only heard of – met them in quite a large group – and the sheer amount of detail and love that went into these events is absolutely amazing. It’s a talent and a blessing… and how lucky am I that they cared enough to share that with me?
I’d love to write to you about the gifts, but they weren’t what stuck out to me. I’m not going to lie, the little girl in me that has dreamed of her own china pattern for years LOVED that I finally got a set of the fine china I registered for. But the gifts that struck me were the little things. Like Nick’s old next door neighbor who gave me a recipe for homemade dog treats for my dogs – and made sure to make some for them before I left Louisiana. She also gave me the Dance Dance Revolution for the Wii – only technically she bought it because she felt like Abbey would be overlooked in all the gifts and she felt like I’d registered for that to bond with my daughter. And she was right.
Nick’s aunt made an afghan for us – and cried when she told me how she’d prayed for our relationship and our marriage as she was crocheting it – a bit cheesy, but touching because she was so sincere about it.
The women did crafts and made food and thought of every little detail to make my day happy and for me to feel special.
How blessed am I?
Leslie knitted me a shawl – one of the most gorgeous things I’ve ever seen in my life… something that almost begs to be framed instead of worn, though I’m not quite sure how I’d manage it. It’s beautiful and I’m TERRIFIED I’m going to do something to it, but it’s easily one of the most special presents I’ve ever received in my life.
And that my girls all came down, from out of town, and spent their hard earned money just to celebrate and hang out with me meant the world.
So life is going well.
Nothing is moving forward on the custody front – apparently they need more paperwork from me. That’s not frustrating at all. nope. Not at all. (yes, I’m gritting my teeth as I type this, what of it?)
I’m nervous about being the center of attention. Nervous about making a mistake.
Nervous about the fact that I still look like I swallowed a small midget and his horse and self conscious that those pictures are going to be the ones I have forever – instead of how young and beautiful I look I’ll never see past the weight.
I don’t like not knowing what’s next in my life and I am tired of living the life of a hermit.
I keep telling myself I have just another month to make it through before I can start saving money again, and move out of the apartment and back into the parents house – not an ideal, but definitely better than the other option, which is wasting my money on rent, over and over again.
I’m ready to get past this stage, to be able to stop living paycheck to paycheck.
I’m ready to contribute and find my sense of self worth that comes along with not overextending oneself.
I’m happy that’s coming up, if not happy that I’ll once again be giving up my privacy until the future makes itself slightly less murky.
It just doesn’t make sense to throw away $1000 on rent when that money could be used to save up for a house.
And so it’s back to adulthood.
Back to cleaning up the credit report that apparently is murky from lenders not realizing they no longer hold my student loans and therefore I can’t be late on payments to them…
Back to making sure that the car note is paid BEFORE it’s due rather than the day of.
Oh, and back to little luxuries. Like air filters for my car and, dare I say it, pants that go all the way to my shoes instead of my ankles.
How will I contain myself?!!?
I hope you all are great.
And I hope that your future, no matter how complicated, is as exciting and hopeful as mine is.
My wedding shawl from Leslie
Doing the math.
August 14, 2009
My having run out of meds is hitting hard today, as the nerves of this all gang up on me.
I can’t afford the meds, really… I’m totally broke on one hand and trying to deal with inflated summer energy/gas/spending bills.
It doesn’t help that I have absolutely no control over the family purse strings – this long distance separation means that I have barely any recourse.
And Nick’s quite the control freak when it comes to money.
Not a bad thing – a good thing, but he doesn’t have the list in front of him of things remaining to do and I do.
It’s massive.
Huge.
And all has to be done in the last two weekends I have free.
THIS one and one in September.
And then I get married.
That’s all I have free.
And he seems to think I need to be okay with waiting.
Because he doesn’t want to take money out of savings.
And I get that.
But the wedding planning can’t be based around our paydays – some weeks need more, some need less – which is how we end up with the rest in savings anyway…
AND is why we’re saving?
Bah.
Yes. Everything costs more than originally planned.
I can’t explain that logically, except that – well. When I’m nuts, life turns nuts.
And when life turns nuts, it makes me more nuts.
And when I’m more nuts, I don’t plan as well as I should.
And I’m not a bargain shopper to begin with.
That’s not to say I don’t have bargains.
Just that I’m annoyed I had to shop for them.
And being in the mood I am today – with everything hitting hard.
Well.
Annoyances multiply.
Yes. Exactly. Agree(1)
August 14, 2009
From cypressandak.blogspot.com:
“It’s official. I am ready for the wedding. Not because all the projects are finished, but because the wedding has taken over my life.
If my mind were a computer (and believe me, it’s not), the wedding would be a program running in the background at all times — with hundreds of popup messages per day. I am able to get everything else done, but it’s almost as if all of those other responsibilities revolve around the center of the universe. Which is The Wedding.
What did I think about before I was contemplating centerpieces over every lunch break? What did I do with my time when I wasn’t making invitations and programs and bridesmaid gifts and writing welcome letters and toasts and vows and day-of timelines?
I. Completely. Forget.
I used to think of myself as a person. But the wedding industrial complex has nearly redefined my identity to: BRIDE. Nearly, but not quite entirely. Which is how I’m able, through my remaining scrap of self-awareness, to see a glimmer of the Jules I was before the wedding. The person I still am, under layers and layers of tulle.”
Wow. I don’t think I could have put it better myself.
A computer program.
That’s it entirely.
My ovaries are choking me.
August 13, 2009
Oh heavens.
Hormones.
They get the best of us sometimes.
I can’t help it.
I’m 3 or 4 (I can’t remember) days off of my meds because I can’t remember to phone them in, and well.
Yeah.
Add that to the hormones that are… rampant this time of the month and you have one emotional Lish.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Some people thing I’m too calm about things I should be emotional about and these periods are enough to make them shut up again for months.
Most people that know me well know I’m entirely too emotional all the time, and so they run for cover during these times.
The rest of the people just don’t give a shit and it’s to them that I entreat – stop writing moving stories/blogs/twitters/emails!
I can’t handle it.
I just teared up at one of my favorite no-nonsense wedding blogs – yes I read wedding blogs, mainly for the articles – and felt incredibly stupid because I was imagining feeling that way myself.
And what they were feeling wasn’t anything I’d ever feel. A calm sense of relief.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt a calm sense of relief.
A mountain of relief.
A wave of relief, but those both come in loud crashes and tend to overwhelm me.
And then I nap.
But calm?
I don’t do calm.
Though lately I don’t do much of anything – just sit around agape at the list of things I have to do.
Like today – meet with the caterer and tell him what I want to eat on my wedding.
Do they not get that I just want to avoid panic vomit on my wedding dress?
That I’m choking every time I realize it’s time to get invites out?
That I nearly cried this morning when my priest told me he was transferring and someone else would finish up our marriage stuff and marry us?
I can’t think food.
And do you know what that means to someone like me?
I ALWAYS THINK FOOD!
THIS WEDDING IS RUINING MY APPETITE!
lol.
Okay.
So it’s not. I’m enjoying myself at the moment. But I’m tearing up at sweet stuff and I HATE that.
I hate being a girl sometimes – and being girlish and ly I hate pretty much all the time – though I’m so darned good at it.
Bah. Hum-hormones.
Activities…
August 11, 2009
So, many of our guests are out-of-towners… as you probably know, since I can’t think of one of my daily readers who isn’t invited.
BUT. One of the things plaguing me is the fact that I can’t think of anything for the guests to do while I’m going crazy.
Until today.
I want to see if I can find time to schedule in a softball game on Friday for the people coming in…
It’s the most likely sport that people will have equipment for (in our family) and could be a great ice breaker…
What do you guys think?
Great trip.
August 10, 2009
Dallas was a ton of fun.
Not only did I get a little tipsy with one of my best friends and my photographer, but I was able to see another awesome friend and get some major ribbonage done.
Okay, so the re-ribboning of the soaps took about 10 minutes,… much less than we expected because we discovered, to our delight, that the original ribbons were still tied – had just been slipped off – and were easily reinstated in their original positions.
Shoe shopping was a bust. Apparently gold shoes are going out QUICKLY and I’d recommend for any of my girls that they get them RIGHT NOW – the number of shoes out there has diminished dramatically.
Krista and I spent hours looking and getting more and more frustrated.
Think cranky kids in a candy store – knowing we’re not able to eat any.
I guess that doesn’t really apply.
This is like the candy store that ran out of candy.
Yes, that’s a better example.
I definitely am blessed that I have such an awesome friend helping me on the wedding.
I don’t get to see my friends much – I can only socialize on the weekends and even then I’m done by 9 at night.
It feels very much like I never get to see anyone.
And with my MASSIVE… hugely massively MASSIVE to do list, it’s getting to be a little stressful.
Today was the first day of school for Abbey – which means that we’re back to going back and forth between the two residences in order to keep with the custody agreement.
And this is frustrating as well – because all of my projects have many parts – and I can’t lug them around constantly.
I won’t have enough time – have enough effort.
And I REALLY don’t want to live with anyone else having had that break.
So… I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do.
I’m literally starting to head-to-toe panic about the details and what isn’t done.
And the weight of that… bah.
I’ll figure out something though.
K’s been an awesomely huge help and Manda is so great with all her suggestions.
Mom is being so patient with me and even Abbey is getting excited about parts of it.
I just… I’m tired and I’m stressed today.
I miss my friends.
I need help.
I need money, as does everyone.
And I need people not to give me stress or drama regarding stupid things.
And I need to have gotten into bed earlier last night.
Boo to insomnia.
Accomplishing… finally.
July 27, 2009
This weekend I got into gear a bit.
It’s not that I accomplished tons, it’s that I started on the mega list I have left.
Priced some organza – wanted to price some more at Walmart only to discover that our Walmart is self-destructing by redesign. It’s an interesting project – one that allows you to search for construction paper among the aisles of goldfish.
I couldn’t find ANYTHING.
Went to the props store – that’s a ton of fun.
You see – there will be props at my wedding – and since the final idea isn’t in my head yet, you guys will simply have to know that my wedding reception will involve a rubber chicken.
Yes.
I said a rubber chicken.
But no chicken dance…
Hmm.
I may have to bring that one back, just for the poor chicken’s sake.
Nah.
But that part was the most fun I’ve had since starting to plan this event – I can’t begin to tell you what a blast it was.
I’ve given up control on the shoes and are letting the girls just go for it, and I’m trying to relax in areas that really don’t make a darned bit of difference.
It’s a weird experience for me.
This weekend was awkward on the personal front too -
I wonder how living together after almost 3 years apart is going to go.
Not badly, just differently – or at least that’s my expectation.
It’s a lot more old-fashioned than I had expected our relationship to head, but that suits us in a way.
I’m less traditional – Nick’s super traditional… it’s a meet in the middle sort of thing.
He won’t let me set up a dance down the aisle, but he won’t stop me from making the reception enjoyable.
As a matter of fact, I think only Krista and I really know more about the details at the reception – our daily phone call consists of ways to make people go ‘huh?’ when they’re there…
Or mostly ways for me to enjoy myself that most weddings don’t have.
It may not be fun in the way that mega adult parties are fun, but it’s a step above face painting. Not that I don’t like face painting.
So it should be interesting to see both my parents and my in-laws discover everything as it comes together.
Luckily they don’t get a vote in the overallness of it.
They do, but they don’t – I’m the final say in this, unless Nick waves his Veto Wand, in which case he wins.
It’s not fair, but it’s easier to live with a happier L-man than an unhappy one.
No angry Cubas in my house.
Yes, I meant Cubas.
All in all, the best thing is that I’m MOVING period.
Accomplishing.
DOING SOMETHING.
Let’s hope this pattern continues, because the sheer amount of stuff in my house right now is a little overwhelming…
What wedding planning REALLY looks like.
I don’t like clutter.
But it will all have a place to go… eventually.
I wait very impatiently for that day.
Steamy wishes.
July 23, 2009
Is it just me, or is a little chilly around here for a July day?
It’s not that they are cold.
They aren’t. Um. Well. Mostly.
It’s that people won’t stop telling me I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.
And it’s nothing personal to me or Nick.
They are talking about THEIR marriages and THEIR lives and how if THEY could do it all over again, well, they wouldn’t.
Happily married people are too busy with day to day stuff to scream about how this will be the best decision I’ve ever made and how it’ll be so awesome…
I guess because even if it’s true, it’s still going to be hard.
And we’re good.
We enjoyed the time with Father Greg.
We enjoyed the engagement party that no one got pictures of us at.
And then my wedding dress came in yesterday and I put it on and danced around the room, never wanting to take it off, loving that feeling, that image in my head of how I think I look in it, hoping Nick agrees come October…
And then my heart leapt.
October.
Is awfully close to September.
Which is pretty close to August.
Which is basically tomorrow.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
How can cold feet not equal bad thoughts?
But they don’t.
They just are the same cold feet I get before making job changes.
Before making lifestyle changes.
Before making ANY large change… just slightly bigger because this kind of combines them all.
And I don’t have doubts.
I just have panic.
And I can’t quite make it go away.
And I don’t know why it’s less about the marriage and more about the wedding.
This mental image of me freezing mid-aisle only to run like a crazy person to get away from it all.
Not him, not the marriage.
But the center of attention.
I do NOT want to be the center of attention when it’s not on my terms.
And in this rambling craziness I have to ask why it isn’t on my terms.
Why all of this breathes and moves on its own.
Couldn’t someone else stand in for me?
Or could I stand behind a curtain?
Preferably with Nicholas, as I’d like to have him see me in my dress.
Do I have to meet and greet and love and hug and think and plan and pay and dance and BE IN THE MIDDLE of everything?
I long for my warm socks.
Vomit.
July 22, 2009
My dress came in today.
It’s gorgeous and I love it.
And.
The countdown is giving me a heart attack… Rather like heading up the first hill on a roller coaster… All slow and clanky…
Pan
Ick.
But the good kind that spells excitement.
Still can’t quite manage it.
July 22, 2009
People keep dying this week, so I’ve been rather distracted.
Add that to a co-worker that is on her vaca in Vegas… and two others that are off all week and I’ve been quite busy.
K and Amanda need to make sure I have the weekend’s pictures. It’s sad, but I don’t have a single picture of Nick and I together so far.
I suppose I will have to beg the family because I’ve got nothing and I SHOULD have something from our engagement party.
Made myself feel better last night looking at my to do list.
Some things are Right Nows and some aren’t nearly that urgent. Urgent but not nearly.
Missing my kid.
I’m distancing myself a bit this week as the stress rolls in.
Like I said, deaths suck.
And my grandmother moving sucks.
And I’m keeping my head above the water by staying busy at work and sleeping once I get home.
I’m just SO TIRED.
Tired doesn’t equal in shape though, so I have to get off my tail.
This picture made me laugh – It’s so… exactly me.
It's not fair that my groom is skinnier than me.
