Why was I so stressed?
This is the part where the ‘this is big and irreversible’ started sinking in.
Why so late? Well, I’m a procrastinator about everything else, why not realizations?

A wedding day is crazy. We couldn’t find anything. We couldn’t find everyone. We couldn’t get everywhere.
All through the day people kept protecting me from the little things going wrong and I am so grateful now -
You hear all of these noises around you and feel much like a deer in headlights. You can see this big thing coming towards you but can’t really react much.
I was aware that Nick seemed to be fine – the reports back and forth were clear on that. I figured he’s pretty good at faking it – how could he feel normal?!!?

The day continued. We got ready on opposite sides of the same hotel, the boys with beer in hand, the girls with champagne.
I know now why girls have attendants on the day of their wedding.
Support is good, but an extra pair of eyes are better.
I couldn’t have found my head if they hadn’t been there to assure me it was still attached.
Not to mention my shoes, earrings and other paraphernalia. I’m half convinced I would have walked out naked!

So. I will share with you the beginning of the ascent to THE event. Keep in mind that I find the photos of the boys ABSOLUTELY yummy and there may be a plethora of them.

First the girls.

Krista started on my makeup. I guess it's pretty obvious I'm not used to the process!

And the dress came on... I love this picture. It shows that it takes a village on the big day.

Abbey did her part - apparently you stab yourself with earrings if your hands are shaking.

Krista's still working on my dress back there - but look at my sister's face. She is GLOWING for ME.

Just so everyone knows? I LOVE my veil.

On the way to the church, my nerves were still nuts so I reminded myself just why we women go through this hullabaloo.

Dad needed a little help and Allie was happy to assist.

I just can't help but think they're adorable.

During the guy’s morning… (all storylines are TOTALLY my own invention – it just LOOKS this way…)

Brady was feeling a bit devilish and needed someone to distract Nick. Jesse was happy to come to the rescue.

The challenge.

And the competition started... both determined to win.

Jesse: Mwahahahaha. Nick: I won't let you win this!

Jesse: Ha! Your wedding day excitement isn't even enough to give you superhuman strength, you mere MORTAL! I have NO MERCY!

MEANWHILE... on BRADY's side of the room...

Okay, Okay. Back to real life.
I’ve decided to wait on the guys photos a bit to do them as group shots… and so will only add a few more of their getting ready bits.

OH MY GOSH. She got the eye crinkles. These make me weak in the knees. I want to lick them. I go all fuzzy when he gives me an eye crinkles smile.

Jesse, with a total lack of respect for the fact that it's MY DAY, tries to hog the camera to celebrate his win.

Look, ladies! Look at what's about to walk down the aisle toward ME!

Ah well, the casual work is over. Time to get the man leg-shackled!

Today is the details – little tiny things that just catch your eye.
Not all of them, because there were tons.
But some.

I'll give you three guesses on who set this particular shot of my wedding ring up...

Gotta show the family loyalty - even on the big day.

Okay. So I was slightly nervous...

Buh-lingity bling.

Flowers my girls carried.

Flowers I carried.

Because they are gorgeous, more of the girls' flowers.

The traditional cry for help - that the boys neglected to tell Nick about...

Every groom needs a little reminder on his wedding day...

Krista made sure to help out with the decor...

And all I wanted was some awesome champagne and cake!

The day was gorgeous.
And little things like this are what really made it.
Plus.
The cake really WAS good.

I want cake.

This was a BIG deal, after all.
And while I loved seeing Nicholas, I was still as shaky as I could be.
That’s why it was so awesome to get out and hang out with Abbey, Nick and the photographers.
Having to hug and cuddle and love made us giggle self-consciously, but we secretly loved every minute.

Here are a few of my favorites for your enjoyment…
I have many favorites of the photos total, so this may take a few days…

(all photos taken by Lemin Studios)

Aren't we some cool cats?

We are very awkward subjects and while Abbey can flirt with the camera with the best of them, Nick and I felt VERY odd to be the center of attention.

LOVE.

It’s okay. Abbey loved us both anyway.

Yep. They're crazy!

Abbey thought she was hot stuff with her flirtatious eyes. Nick and I liked the hanging back and pretending we like each other part, too.

Awww. My new family.

We’re a good looking bunch, aren’t we?

I love the way that photo looks against the screen. She was having so much fun – they both were. All of us were.
I’m definitely glad I chose to have a family session the day before – it relaxed us a little bit and made us all remember we like each other.

One of my ALL TIME FAVORITE pictures of my daughter.

Abbey was so loving that day. Some pictures, like this one, didn’t start out being posed at all, but simply us hugging each other like we normally do and being caught in the act.

At the end of the day, I was back to thinking Nick was a rather yummy sort of man.
And he thought I was all right too.

That’s love for you.

Don’t worry – more to come… mush included.

Because they don’t come very natural to me at all, I’ve always thought grudges were a waste and unhealthy.
I still do, but apparently, at the moment, I am the object of one.
Rather sad, considering the person who is angry with me – not someone I’d ever want angry with me. I love them dearly.

And I’m also flabbergasted.
The event that happened – and I’m not naming her or the event – happened on my wedding day.
Some things I don’t remember about my wedding day, especially the beginning of it.
I remember being so nervous that I was throwing up all morning.
I remember feeling as though I were moving through a fog.
I remember the constant phone calls, giving directions, answering questions, getting last minute decor and items to where they needed to go – or at least delegating that part.
Some things couldn’t be found.
Some things STILL have yet to be found.
One of those things lost on that day (but found a few days later) is at the root of this problem.

A gift that this person put TONS of hard work into. Hours you can’t even imagine.
I chose not to mention on the day of that this item was missing and in doing so either made the impression that it didn’t matter or she wasn’t appreciated.
I’ve apologized days later when I realized (as my brain calmed down) that I hadn’t before.
To no avail.

She’s a grudge holder.
And I love her dearly and hate this negative feeling that she holds. I hate it for her.
Especially since she does have a reason to be hurt and angry. Had I explained on the day of, perhaps this would have been taken care of.
The situation itself was one of those things – not planned, but regretted – that happens in our lives.
I couldn’t have taken upon the responsibility of finding the item that morning.
And those that tried couldn’t make heads nor tails of the chaos the day brought.

I have no idea where it was during the search or how it ended up at my apartment afterwards.

But my apology was sincere.
I do sincerely regret that she was hurt.
I am actually very selfishly regretting the missed photo opportunity, which I’ll be honest enough to admit upsetted me on the day of more than most anything else. The gift is gorgeous and I’m materialistic.

I’m not sure if I could do more to make up for it.
But grudges are unfamiliar creatures and I can’t battle the pathways of one and come out sanely.
So I’ll sit back and wait for her to work through whatever one has to work through.

It hurts though.
It was my wedding day.
And I’m frustrated enough to note that she never asked about said item nor brought up afterwards that she was upset with me.
I don’t think that’s fair – not after this many years of friendship. I think that’s really unfair.
But honest enough to know that admitting organization fault immediately should have been my first choice.
I don’t want to count this heavy cloud of awfulness as a memory on my wedding day – a pall on it.
But I suppose it is/will be.

Have a lost a friend for good?
I don’t know.
It would seem very silly if that were the case.
An absent-minded bride is hardly an unusual thing.
If sincere regret and apologies don’t help, well.
I have no weapons to fight this battle with then.
I suppose I’ll have to retreat and regroup.
And wait for her to make the first move.

For years I ran around, partying hard (if by hard you mean sitting on the couch and watching movies with your closest friends. it totally counts, I swear. Okay. So I didn’t party hard. But I was still cool.) playing with my friends, flirting with folks, having a grand ole time, and all of that sort of got knocked on its rear with the shy smile of a tall Italian chemistry student that I’d been talking to online for a month or so.

I had known that night that I was in trouble, that everything I had always pledged to stand for was in danger of being shaken. What I didn’t realize was that I didn’t really stand for those things, that never wanting to marry at that point was simply that I didn’t know about HIM and the sheer amount of fun you can have with one person for years.

Plus he has these really long gorgeous lashes over these deep brown eyes and well… I’m a sucker for girl lashes over manly gorgeous eyes.

This weekend and this morning has marked a set of days and events that will never happen again.
My last single Monday. My last waking up in bed on the weekend as a single woman.
Perhaps that’s a little overdramatic in words, but the echo of what that means is resounding through my body and I find myself so excited to stand up with this man this weekend.

I’m not entirely sure the wedding is all together.
Not entirely sure I’m not missing a ton of things.
Not entirely sure the money will work out in the end.
Not entirely sure of a lot of things.
But I am sure of my decision.
Of him. Of us. Of us as a couple, of us as a family, of us and Abbey and making the best of life.
So the linens might be crooked. My dress might not be entirely steamed, and I might look like the dough… girl, but in the end the important part will be taken care of and we’ll have hog tied each other in the way only a southern couple can hog tie themselves and well… if that’s not a bit o’ romance, I don’t know what is.

I’m scared, yes. Not of making a wrong decision or of failing, but just in that natural way of things that spell change for my safe little world that I’m used to.
I’m unsure of where this is going to lead me, which is a strange feeling – all of the decisions before were made solely by me, which lent itself to a feeling of control – now they’re joint decisions… and he and I are so different that this will make life interesting.
And I’m not sure where in the heck I’ll end up.
Not geographically but mentally and physically.

And that’s scary but also kinda cool.

Which I suppose is the risk of relationship and the risk of what I’m doing.
But the benefits of leaping seem large and the benefits of staying the same or as we are seem very small in comparison.

So.
I begin this last ‘single’ week with little trepidation and more excitement than many of the weeks I’ve experienced in my life.
How large and grand this seems compared to many of those others.
Abbey and this.
Two biggest decisions I’ve made in my life.
The two best.

Just wow.

A dear friend celebrated her nuptuals this past weekend. I’m thrilled for her, having walked through my life hearing the days when life just was too much – and I’m thrilled knowing that when she has a good day, when she has a bad day, she has someone as invested in her as she is in them.
And she took such a leap – a move to a new CONTINENT, a new language, a new life, all for love.

My nerves really need to look at her for an example.
I’m not worried about marrying Nick.
The changes.
The hugeness of this – of the sacrament of this.
That’s ENORMOUS to me.
I wouldn’t have understood how big this was had I just married him for love – in the beginning when I loved him more than myself for no real reason.
But now, when I love him more than myself – or as much as myself on our bad days – I KNOW why and it has everything to do with who he is and who we are together.
And that makes me understand more just how much we’re risking to do this. Just how much people ask of each other when they make these vows.
Just how much different it is to MARRY someone versus live with them.

It also stresses to me just how unfair it is that not everyone in this country is free to do the same. How a biological difference forces two people who are so committed to live together without this final big step.
Because it IS different.
And they deserve that.
No one deserves to be told they can’t marry the person they love simply because someone else thinks they know best.

Part of the wonderful thing about the Bible is that it encourages us to follow the laws of our nation – and we’re not.
You can’t make laws based solely on a religious belief and call them valid and of the people.
And assuming that being gay and a Christian are mutually exclusive is being totally ignorant of life, love, and faith as a whole.
That’s just plain ole not how it works, folks.

Put on your grey-lensed glassed.
There are all KINDS of shades out there.

In the meanwhile I will be thumping out these last projects on my list.
Feeling blessed.
Feeling panicked.
Waiting to return to normal.

And really wondering how all of these differences I already feel inside of myself can get ANY bigger.

And smelling the October which signifies everything good to me about life.
It’s here today – the rain’s been holding it off, but boy does the air smell like crisp sunshine today.

Think of the greatness.
Parrots, accents, wooden legs.
I could do a whole dress code!

Think of getting married in an eye patch.
With an ‘arrrr, matey’ included in the vows and/or DJ announcements.

Le sigh.
Why do I only think of these things AFTER IT’S TOO LATE.

Who the hell gets married in 23 DAYS?
Yes. I’m incapable of not putting it in capital letters.
I think it has something to do with the near-vomitatious feeling that is sitting in my body at the sheer thought of only 23 DAYS left.

Wasn’t it just yesterday we were meeting at Starbucks and I was thinking “I’d SO totally hit that”?
It had to have been.
Or last week, maybe – my memory isn’t what it should be because I have only 23 DAYS left.

I’m not sleeping, which might add to some of the hysteria.
Or perhaps it’s the fact that I spent last night making 200 different Moo cards only to have the internet eat them and have to start all over.
Or maybe it’s that I really am incapable of making even the smallest decision anymore without affirmation.
Because when I do, things happen. Bad things happen.
Say, for instance, my MC Hammer style black pants, navy socks, and too-short ivory sweater combo I’m rocking today.
Every time I say ‘Stop!’ at someone I have to follow it up with ‘Hammer Time!’ – they insist.
And I would too if it were someone else.

But it’s me.
And I have 23 DAYS left.
23 DAYS.
This is huge.
Bigger than mountains, bigger than the universe, bigger than Abe’s brother’s head.

I’m getting married.
With all the trappings I never wanted, all the money I never wanted to spend, all the planning I never wanted – BUT!
I am getting the guy I wanted – absolutely want.
Just.
In 23 DAYS.

Also, kick dissenters in the balls.

The dress is bought. The makeup person booked – whether she likes it or not. The hair appointment is booked though I’ll probably move it up a bit.
The venues are booked.
The fiance is freaking out.
The bride is being chastised for not having everything totally done.

Yep, it’s a normal wedding.

A two bedroom apartment has been rented for us – while the custody thing is being worked out, Abbey will have her own room in the second tiniest apartment ever that we will share with 5093285320842 bicycles.

But. I’m so looking forward to it.

There are issues – ups and downs of merging families that I’m getting used to.
The families are both wonderful.
The balancing is harder – the meeting so many people is hard. Even meeting wonderful people makes a shy person shrink into their shell at times.

But mostly I’m around, trying to keep sane, trying to find something to say that doesn’t sound like AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and trying to remember what it is that I’ve forgotten. Which seems to be everything.