Light dawns on darkened brain.
July 1, 2009
I’m almost giddy I’m in such a good mood.
I don’t know why, really.
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that, unlike some people in my life, I didn’t have a massage therapist pull my hair in order to massage my scalp.
I’m not sure.
But for some reason today feels like a day full of possibilities, of smiles.
And maybe that will change – but I hope not.
Good moods are few and far between – at least the ones that are for no particular reason.
I’m excited about the details of the wedding. The fun things that are being put together – the details that other folks are helping me with.
The ideas.
I love ideas.
I had no idea how much I missed creativity – how that part of me has felt dampened for so long.
Has this wedding woken me up?
I’m not sure, but I know I don’t want this side to go away again.
For too long I’ve been driven by the analytical – and anyone can tell you that that’s just not who I am.
I’m not even sure how it happened.
For a paycheck? For a roof over my head?
All good reasons, but when did that become ALL of it?
I miss the me that has a soundtrack to life.
For a while now I’ve even stopped singing on the way to work in the morning.
WHO is that person that’s stopped singing?
I don’t know.
I really don’t.
But I’m going to find the one that did sing.
I’m not sure what Nick will think of this.
Especially since I’m not sure where it’s leading me.
I’m willing to work for a paycheck in something I hate for now.
But perhaps it’s even he that has inspired me to aim higher.
He loves what he does.
And has no idea what a liberty that is.
And I’m going to find something to do that I love.
And hopefully I’ll be good at it as well… as that always helps the success part.
Does it make it easier having backup?
Of course.
People reading this are no idiots.
I couldn’t afford to do it without his support.
But I do have his support.
And I have this awakening desire in me to find ME – a person I didn’t even realize was lost.
Now.
Well.
Now I just have to figure out where to start.
Inspiration.
June 18, 2009
Can I just tell you how inspiring wedding blogs are?
And how addictive?
And even worse… how addictive invitation blogs are?!!?
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a paper freak.
I love the textures and feel.
I love cards.
I love designs.
I love words.
And I feel something stirring inside of me that I haven’t felt for such a long time.
Artistic motivation.
A twinge of energy and excitement.
And it’s not just for my wedding…
Just all those beautiful options!
It sucks to not be more creative sometimes.
To have the eye but not the ability.
But still, there’s something here.
And that possibility is exciting.
I would love to love something most every day.
While the sun shines.
June 17, 2009
A good friend of mine likes to describe things that fill her with pleasure as ‘happy.’
Those could be shoes. Fabrics. Yarn. Cars. Events. Grass. Trees. Moments. Words. Anything, really.
I choose to call them sunshine-y.
Not really a word, I suppose.
But some things are pure sunshine.
The smell after a rainstorm. My puppies. My daughter’s laugh. Home. Nick pulling him to me while we’re sleeping. Naughty Monkey shoes. Nordstrom. certain songs. The City Museum in St. Louis. Daffodils.
I think I’ve reached the point where I’m starting to find a glimpse of sunshine in most everything in my life.
Perhaps out of pure necessity.
Stress makes you do strange things, and while I wouldn’t consider myself an optimist – far from it, I’m not dead.
So, those are my little rays of sunshine.
Wedding planning brings lots of sunshine into my life.
My shoes – they are absolutely glowing with pure sunshine.
My friends.
Shopping for shoes for the girls – realizing the awesome awful pairs out there keeps me giggling for hours.
Nick… even during our downs he keeps trying – and that’s the sign of character. True character.
I’ve been going over song planning in my head – music is very important to me, and I want to set the right tone for my day.
And as I was listening to Pandora, “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz came on.
Silly fun song, I love it.
And it just hit me.
That song is pure sunshine.
And I don’t care how hard it may be to sway to in the beat – Nick and I are just uncoordinated enough to mess up any beat anyway – that tone of pure gloriously happy sunshine stands for everything that I want my wedding day to be.
I’m his.
He’s mine.
We fell despite ourselves.
And I love that.
