C’mon Thursday!
April 13, 2010
My nerves are getting the best of me.
My mood is sunshine-y and bright the past few days and I am almost jumping out of my skin waiting for Thursday to get here for me to see those gorgeous brown eyes get off that plane from Minneapolis – hopefully with the rest of my husband’s body of course.
Tax prep and daily bumps in the road have served to show me just how much better my life would be with him around from a pragmatic reasoning… but the grin on my face and nerves in my stomach tell me that I just need him around as a woman needs her man around – I’ve not ever dated someone that still gave me butterflies almost 6 years into it!
He confounds me and unnerves me. Angers me and humors me. The days may sometimes be the same but they are never boring with my Dr. Husband.
He would laugh if he could see me trying makeup and clothes on in the hopes that he’ll think I’m beautiful – as though we had just started dating.
I’m ridiculous.
But, it’s a great feeling.
Abbey’s a bit jealous that she can’t go see him this week – I feel so bad that she hasn’t gotten a chance to spend time with him lately.
He and I will have to make plans to change that – she misses him terribly.
In the meantime, for her, summer visitation is rushing up to greet us – only it greets us with a kick in the nads – we hate this time of year.
Oh, she’s excited to get out of school, but says she ‘needs her mama.’
Her mama needs her too.
Still, I am lucky that visitation started when she was 2 – that means that I rarely face any screaming fits and refusals to go anymore. She’s used to it – it’s all she can remember.
It’s hard to think that, but hopefully her life with me has convinced her that a slightly abnormal family in the sense of the traditional definition isn’t so bad.
She’s a good kid and I adore her.
Still. I’m going to enjoy crawling into bed with that man of mine this weekend.
Time is taking forever to pass before the 4 days of Nick time – 4 days that will feel as short as 4 hours.
He better be over the moon to see me, damnit. 
Return of the big Z.
December 4, 2009
Ebb and Flow.
My life has been full of accomplishments lately.
I’ve moved back in with my parents – which would be a sign of failure in most families… or a sign of hard times… or really… technically… a sign of logic.
If they can handle it and your family can handle it, it can really be an awesome solution.
In my case, it’s part of planning for the big picture.
I didn’t want to give up my apartment, but the truth is that my husband and I don’t need two rents when our savings can go towards a down payment on a house.
A buttload of money for a house payment. He’s more comfortable with a buttload down. Thank goodness our salaries support our endeavors.
And so the four of us – my parents, my daughter and me are all squished inside our totally normal-sized house and making the most of our individual need for independence.
I’m lucky that my family is close.
And that I can go to the bathroom and pee in peace if I need a moment’s quiet.
I’ve managed to buy most of my Christmas presents – this won’t seem like much to you guys, but you’re talking to a woman that leaves work at noon on the 24th each year to finish her shopping.
Only having two or three people to shop for is AMAZING for me.
I feel as though I’m Superwoman and I want to brag to everyone I see that I’ve accomplished something this Christmas.
WITH spirit for the season!
An accomplishment that’s much, much bigger than any of the aforementioned accomplishments.
I’m a Grinch.
The Queen of the species, actually and to feel even moments of sparks makes me wonder if part of me is coming back to life after being buried for so long under single parenting responsibilities and multiple jobs and everything else that comes along with adulthood.
And I’m not saying my grinchdom has ever had anything to do with my daughter – if anything, she’s the one that kept me from ditching the holiday completely – her excitement is infectious in all things that affect her.
But.
I find myself, this year for the first time since my own childhood, becoming excited when I’m away from her, when I’m buying for other people, when the songs come on, when I see the decorations.
Perhaps my heart is growing in size, though I really don’t see how it could be any bigger. I’m already the biggest sap I know. Just ask my husband.
If it’s not obvious, I’m back on the meds. The insurance has been straightened out and it’s even better than mine could PRETEND to be, even on the travel program.
Sure, it’ll take a little more work on my end – the waiting and paperwork is a nightmare, but considering the insurance is local in MINNESOTA I guess I can be a little patient.
I feel bad for feeling so steady now.
The lives of those around me aren’t.
Some of them have made their own beds.
Some haven’t.
I’m trying to learn the fine art of shutting up.
Trying being the operative word, but I hope they appreciate my attempts.
Learning that you don’t have the right answer for other people HAS to be one of the most difficult things to learn. Especially for an overprotective mom figure such as myself.
But the need to scream the answers I feel so concretely on the inside is fairly easy to overcome at the moment.
I don’t see the need to alienate the people I love – too many splits recently from ridiculousness.
I’m not going to be the cause of any.
At least not.
Today.
Today I shall just be grateful that I’m feeling better.
Grateful I can hold my tongue.
Grateful that my daughter can still laugh over silly things like a girl, even as she grows into a woman.
Grateful that I have the most wonderful man in the world – and I can call him husband.
Grateful my Christmas tree is up and decorated and I didn’t have to do any of it. (My least favorite part EVER.)
And grateful.
So grateful. Of the hope that is poking its head into my life. Small, beautiful hope. The holder of my prayers and my future.
Blessings. All of it.
Getting ready.
November 11, 2009
There are always the obligatory getting ready shots.
What they don’t show you is that I was scared. to. death.
I spent the entire morning turned upside down. Stomach in knots.
Couldn’t keep food down.
Champagne was a temporary solution, but didn’t calm me down as much as medication would have.
But napping during the ceremony is frowned upon, so I said no to a little medicinal help and braved the day.
Why was I so stressed?
This is the part where the ‘this is big and irreversible’ started sinking in.
Why so late? Well, I’m a procrastinator about everything else, why not realizations?
A wedding day is crazy. We couldn’t find anything. We couldn’t find everyone. We couldn’t get everywhere.
All through the day people kept protecting me from the little things going wrong and I am so grateful now -
You hear all of these noises around you and feel much like a deer in headlights. You can see this big thing coming towards you but can’t really react much.
I was aware that Nick seemed to be fine – the reports back and forth were clear on that. I figured he’s pretty good at faking it – how could he feel normal?!!?
The day continued. We got ready on opposite sides of the same hotel, the boys with beer in hand, the girls with champagne.
I know now why girls have attendants on the day of their wedding.
Support is good, but an extra pair of eyes are better.
I couldn’t have found my head if they hadn’t been there to assure me it was still attached.
Not to mention my shoes, earrings and other paraphernalia. I’m half convinced I would have walked out naked!
So. I will share with you the beginning of the ascent to THE event. Keep in mind that I find the photos of the boys ABSOLUTELY yummy and there may be a plethora of them.
First the girls.
Krista started on my makeup. I guess it's pretty obvious I'm not used to the process!
And the dress came on... I love this picture. It shows that it takes a village on the big day.
Abbey did her part - apparently you stab yourself with earrings if your hands are shaking.
Krista's still working on my dress back there - but look at my sister's face. She is GLOWING for ME.
Just so everyone knows? I LOVE my veil.
On the way to the church, my nerves were still nuts so I reminded myself just why we women go through this hullabaloo.
Dad needed a little help and Allie was happy to assist.
I just can't help but think they're adorable.
During the guy’s morning… (all storylines are TOTALLY my own invention – it just LOOKS this way…)
Brady was feeling a bit devilish and needed someone to distract Nick. Jesse was happy to come to the rescue.
The challenge.
And the competition started... both determined to win.
Jesse: Mwahahahaha. Nick: I won't let you win this!
Jesse: Ha! Your wedding day excitement isn't even enough to give you superhuman strength, you mere MORTAL! I have NO MERCY!
MEANWHILE... on BRADY's side of the room...
Okay, Okay. Back to real life.
I’ve decided to wait on the guys photos a bit to do them as group shots… and so will only add a few more of their getting ready bits.
OH MY GOSH. She got the eye crinkles. These make me weak in the knees. I want to lick them. I go all fuzzy when he gives me an eye crinkles smile.
Jesse, with a total lack of respect for the fact that it's MY DAY, tries to hog the camera to celebrate his win.
Look, ladies! Look at what's about to walk down the aisle toward ME!
Ah well, the casual work is over. Time to get the man leg-shackled!
Details…
November 10, 2009
So I’m dividing up the photo-caps of the wedding by the galleries the photographer divided into.
Simply because it’s easier for me.
And it’s logical.
And right now both of those things are super sexy to me.
Today is the details – little tiny things that just catch your eye.
Not all of them, because there were tons.
But some.
I'll give you three guesses on who set this particular shot of my wedding ring up...
Gotta show the family loyalty - even on the big day.
Okay. So I was slightly nervous...
Buh-lingity bling.
Flowers my girls carried.
Flowers I carried.
Because they are gorgeous, more of the girls' flowers.
The traditional cry for help - that the boys neglected to tell Nick about...
Every groom needs a little reminder on his wedding day...
Krista made sure to help out with the decor...
And all I wanted was some awesome champagne and cake!
The day was gorgeous.
And little things like this are what really made it.
Plus.
The cake really WAS good.
I want cake.
Wedding Recaps: Day Before – Family Photos
November 9, 2009
The day before the wedding.
I’ll be honest, I was a nervous, cranky wreck.
Panicky, even.
This was a BIG deal, after all.
And while I loved seeing Nicholas, I was still as shaky as I could be.
That’s why it was so awesome to get out and hang out with Abbey, Nick and the photographers.
Having to hug and cuddle and love made us giggle self-consciously, but we secretly loved every minute.
Here are a few of my favorites for your enjoyment…
I have many favorites of the photos total, so this may take a few days…
(all photos taken by Lemin Studios)
Aren't we some cool cats?
We are very awkward subjects and while Abbey can flirt with the camera with the best of them, Nick and I felt VERY odd to be the center of attention.
LOVE.
It’s okay. Abbey loved us both anyway.
Yep. They're crazy!
Abbey thought she was hot stuff with her flirtatious eyes. Nick and I liked the hanging back and pretending we like each other part, too.
Awww. My new family.
We’re a good looking bunch, aren’t we?
I love the way that photo looks against the screen. She was having so much fun – they both were. All of us were.
I’m definitely glad I chose to have a family session the day before – it relaxed us a little bit and made us all remember we like each other.
One of my ALL TIME FAVORITE pictures of my daughter.
Abbey was so loving that day. Some pictures, like this one, didn’t start out being posed at all, but simply us hugging each other like we normally do and being caught in the act.
At the end of the day, I was back to thinking Nick was a rather yummy sort of man.
And he thought I was all right too.
That’s love for you.
Don’t worry – more to come… mush included.
Back and all.
September 8, 2009
This weekend was wonderful.
Absolutely wonderful.
Nothing big, nothing fancy.
Lots of walking and talking and just sitting around each other.
No major plan, no major anything.
Just. Having each other around.
Some moments we were bored. Some we were way too entertained. Some we were having ‘discussions’ but in all of it, we were comfortable with one another.
And the smell.
I love the way the man smells – like soap and man and happiness. I can’t explain it any other way than to say he smells like home. I sleep better in his arms for three days than I do in a month on my own.
And even when he wakes up at the BUTT CRACK OF DAWN I still love him – I just love him more when he gets up without trying to talk me into getting up too.
And he amuses me. He’s so focused – such a driven person when compared to my moseying.
We kept walking – miles we walked this weekend, sometimes talking, sometimes not – but he lacks the ability to mosey if the objective in question is to walk.
If he plans to walk he’s going to walk. Very focused on walking. No looking, just walking.
I teased him about this. About smelling the roses and enjoying life.
He laughed.
Said that the day was for walking, not smelling the roses, but when he was assigned the task of taking time to smell the roses, he’s the best damned rose smeller there is.
I like that he can laugh at himself.
There’s something comforting in that – as he couldn’t always.
But he can now.
And when I ask him why he says something pointed, something that doesn’t help, something that just stings a bit but has no useful purpose, he tells me he messed up, that I’m right, that he’s sorry, that it’s one of his least favorite flaws.
He says sometimes he says it because he wants to point out that he was right – but that he’s starting to realize that sometimes it doesn’t matter whether or not he’s right, especially not after the fact.
I like that he can see my side without being defensive.
I love that a little walk to him is 10 miles.
And that I drive him as nuts as he drives me but we’re still happy together.
I love that his body is gorgeous, his mind is sharp, and his character is iron man strong.
And that he doesn’t stare at other chicks in a rude way, but will totally joke with me if I say something first – like about the cycling chick with the massively mountainous boobs that were impossible to NOT stare at.
He complimented me, he wanted me, he touched me, he loved me, he hugged me.
We argued, we irritated, we disagreed, we snapped a little here and there.
And it was just wonderful.
How awesome is it to realize that you have a healthy normal relationship, despite the 3 years of distance… or as healthy and normal as possible with the 3 years of distance?
This is going to be hard – I’m not going to lie. We have a few hills to climb before anything in our lives together levels out.
But if I have to move mountains – I’m definitely going to have the right man beside me helping me push.
Yay for me.
September 2, 2009
These minute updates seem to come with longer spans of distance in between them lately.
It’s not that I don’t want to update, but I simply lack interesting stories to tell.
Or I’m too caught up in a life that is becoming increasingly complicated as October 10th surges closer and closer.
I’m THRILLED about marrying Nick… in a way that has only lately been catching up with me. I can’t believe he got so lucky, that he gets to keep me, and I can’t believe that I’m getting a guy that really does want to help make my life better, even if we don’t always agree on what it takes to do so.
I’m NOT thrilled about the wedding, as this thing has expanded into a mountain – something that does not reflect what this day means to me at ALL, but at the same time, I feel so much love from the people that are finding ways to expand this day… they all think they’re doing it in a way that would make me happy and that they’re trying makes me feel loved.
But telling everyone I wanted a small wedding wasn’t a joke. I just underestimated just how important this was to people who are important to me.
And so to the rest of the world I’ll keep my mouth shut.
At the end of the day we’ll all be happy.
I’ll have my silly photos in a wedding dress with a rubber chicken, they’ll have the big day that they want me to have, and I’ll be married to the most honorable man that I’ve ever met… that I’m not related to.
You see, the past weekend I went to two showers thrown by people that I’m beginning to know better. I met women I’ve only heard of – met them in quite a large group – and the sheer amount of detail and love that went into these events is absolutely amazing. It’s a talent and a blessing… and how lucky am I that they cared enough to share that with me?
I’d love to write to you about the gifts, but they weren’t what stuck out to me. I’m not going to lie, the little girl in me that has dreamed of her own china pattern for years LOVED that I finally got a set of the fine china I registered for. But the gifts that struck me were the little things. Like Nick’s old next door neighbor who gave me a recipe for homemade dog treats for my dogs – and made sure to make some for them before I left Louisiana. She also gave me the Dance Dance Revolution for the Wii – only technically she bought it because she felt like Abbey would be overlooked in all the gifts and she felt like I’d registered for that to bond with my daughter. And she was right.
Nick’s aunt made an afghan for us – and cried when she told me how she’d prayed for our relationship and our marriage as she was crocheting it – a bit cheesy, but touching because she was so sincere about it.
The women did crafts and made food and thought of every little detail to make my day happy and for me to feel special.
How blessed am I?
Leslie knitted me a shawl – one of the most gorgeous things I’ve ever seen in my life… something that almost begs to be framed instead of worn, though I’m not quite sure how I’d manage it. It’s beautiful and I’m TERRIFIED I’m going to do something to it, but it’s easily one of the most special presents I’ve ever received in my life.
And that my girls all came down, from out of town, and spent their hard earned money just to celebrate and hang out with me meant the world.
So life is going well.
Nothing is moving forward on the custody front – apparently they need more paperwork from me. That’s not frustrating at all. nope. Not at all. (yes, I’m gritting my teeth as I type this, what of it?)
I’m nervous about being the center of attention. Nervous about making a mistake.
Nervous about the fact that I still look like I swallowed a small midget and his horse and self conscious that those pictures are going to be the ones I have forever – instead of how young and beautiful I look I’ll never see past the weight.
I don’t like not knowing what’s next in my life and I am tired of living the life of a hermit.
I keep telling myself I have just another month to make it through before I can start saving money again, and move out of the apartment and back into the parents house – not an ideal, but definitely better than the other option, which is wasting my money on rent, over and over again.
I’m ready to get past this stage, to be able to stop living paycheck to paycheck.
I’m ready to contribute and find my sense of self worth that comes along with not overextending oneself.
I’m happy that’s coming up, if not happy that I’ll once again be giving up my privacy until the future makes itself slightly less murky.
It just doesn’t make sense to throw away $1000 on rent when that money could be used to save up for a house.
And so it’s back to adulthood.
Back to cleaning up the credit report that apparently is murky from lenders not realizing they no longer hold my student loans and therefore I can’t be late on payments to them…
Back to making sure that the car note is paid BEFORE it’s due rather than the day of.
Oh, and back to little luxuries. Like air filters for my car and, dare I say it, pants that go all the way to my shoes instead of my ankles.
How will I contain myself?!!?
I hope you all are great.
And I hope that your future, no matter how complicated, is as exciting and hopeful as mine is.
My wedding shawl from Leslie
I heart my child.
August 21, 2009
It’s a matter of truth that my daughter is going to call many times during the school year.
Her teachers know this – or are learning, the office knows this – out of pure experience, and both Abbey and I know this.
Normally it’s the usual ‘I’m sick’ followed by the ‘I can’t make it all day, Mommy!’ whine.
Today, however, it was the ‘I sprained my hand, I can’t write!’ conversation – a new one for us.
“How did your sprain your hand, Abbey?”
“Talking.”
(Insert long pause here where I started grinning…)
‘Talking? Talking hurts your hand?”
“Well, no. I was talking and I accidentally hit the bleachers…”
“Okay…”
“But I can’t write so I don’t know how I am going to do school for the rest of the day.”
“By writing very slowly and carefully.”
You get the basic idea.
How many parents do you know have their child try to call out after injuries from TALKING?
I can’t make this stuff up.
Parenting is awesome.
Gifts
August 3, 2009
So one of the things Nick and I have talked about is not doing wedding gifts for each other.
First off, it’s hard enough to support a teenager and secondly, using his money to buy him a gift would just annoy him. He’d rather it be in savings.
So when he started talking about buying me a road bike, I knew something was up.
Not that it’s for a wedding present – it’s really something he wants me to get into, something he wants me to try.
And I’d like to.
But I also worry about spending a grand on a bike I won’t ride, and so we go back and forth.
It also doesn’t help that a lot of them are ugly and I can’t see myself ever going 100 miles randomly like he tends to do on the weekend.
I don’t drive 100 miles on the weekends in a car – why would I on a bike?
A friend or two have joked about him buying me a gift he’d love to receive, but he just got a new road bike.
This one is MINE.
So on and on… me not thinking much of it, him calling me randomly with suggestions – I don’t know much about the bikes, only that I’m looking at entry level road bikes and low cost components… until I ran across THIS beauty:
Yum.
Now I’m much more motivated to look for bikes. It’s gorgeous.
Now I just have to hope that it’s actually comfortable as opposed to sexy and hope that I’m not too big to fit on a woman’s bike.
You don’t change the Vera Wang to fit your body, you change your body to fit Vera Wang.
Because I’m sick and wordless…
July 30, 2009
Falling in love is like owning a dog
an epithalamion by Taylor Mali
www.taylormali.com
First of all, it’s a big responsibility,
especially in a city like New York.
So think long and hard before deciding on love.
On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:
when you’re walking down the street late at night
and you have a leash on love
ain’t no one going to mess with you.
Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.
Who knows what love could do in its own defense?
On cold winter nights, love is warm.
It lies between you and lives and breathes
and makes funny noises.
Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.
It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.
Love doesn’t like being left alone for long.
But come home and love is always happy to see you.
It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,
but you can never be mad at love for long.
Is love good all the time? No! No!
Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.
Love makes messes.
Love leaves you little surprises here and there.
Love needs lots of cleaning up after.
Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.
Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper
and swat love on the nose,
not so much to cause pain,
just to let love know Don’t you ever do that again!
Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk.
Because love loves exercise.
It runs you around the block and leaves you panting.
It pulls you in several different directions at once,
or winds around and around you
until you’re all wound up and can’t move.
But love makes you meet people wherever you go.
People who have nothing in common but love
stop and talk to each other on the street.
Throw things away and love will bring them back,
again, and again, and again.
But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.
And in return, love loves you and never stops.
