Still can’t quite manage it.
July 22, 2009
People keep dying this week, so I’ve been rather distracted.
Add that to a co-worker that is on her vaca in Vegas… and two others that are off all week and I’ve been quite busy.
K and Amanda need to make sure I have the weekend’s pictures. It’s sad, but I don’t have a single picture of Nick and I together so far.
I suppose I will have to beg the family because I’ve got nothing and I SHOULD have something from our engagement party.
Made myself feel better last night looking at my to do list.
Some things are Right Nows and some aren’t nearly that urgent. Urgent but not nearly.
Missing my kid.
I’m distancing myself a bit this week as the stress rolls in.
Like I said, deaths suck.
And my grandmother moving sucks.
And I’m keeping my head above the water by staying busy at work and sleeping once I get home.
I’m just SO TIRED.
Tired doesn’t equal in shape though, so I have to get off my tail.
This picture made me laugh – It’s so… exactly me.
It's not fair that my groom is skinnier than me.
AAAAAnnnndddd…
July 16, 2009
Someone please explain to me the purpose of seating charts and how the heck I am supposed to know who needs/wants to sit next to each other?
(photo was google-searched, yo.)
Frustration… and the desire for a cookie.
July 9, 2009
So, in the past few months I’ve started eating better and have hired a personal trainer.
This is quite the expense for someone who lives very paycheck to paycheck – kids don’t feed themselves, you know – and was something I contemplated for a while.
You see, I’m used to being skinny. Have always been somewhat of a small girl, even though I was curvy. Being 5’11″ helped hide the extra weight anyway and even at my heaviest, when I reached that stage where I could say that I weighed the same as I had when I had given birth, I still looked great.
Though I didn’t know it at the time.
NOW, however, I don’t look quite as great.
That’s not a Debbie Downer – it’s simply the truth. After losing weight for K’s wedding with some old fashioned, but effective, stress dieting, I had gotten to a size rarely seen in my life and looked great doing it.
But.
Because the dieting was so unhealthy I gained it back. And then some.
I gained more weight than I ever could have imagined.
In fact, I now weigh an embarrassing 70 POUNDS more than I did when K got married. And to say that I spent some of that time inert would be an understatement.
I love to exercise, always have.
But I love to do it on my own terms.
In the weight room/gym, in a place where I can get done and go grab a bite when I feel like I’m done.
I can’t run and end up 10 miles away and decide I’d like to be through, no. I want A/C and entertainment on my runs. A little electronic numerical goal to count down to.
And I’d sort of walked away from all of that.
But now I’m marrying a man that can sit in a chair and make me look like a lazy slob. He NEVER. STOPS. MOVING. Ever. He bounces and jitters and runs and racquetballs and bikes and softballs and all of these other things that make me tired just thinking about them.
And I knew that I needed to step it up and get in shape, if only to keep up with him in the grocery.
And so I hired a trainer.
An amazingly fit woman who laughs at my jokes, listens to my crap and then tells me to shut up and do the work.
It’s a perfect relationship and I can’t believe sometimes that I am paying for this torture.
Nor can I believe that with the 4 months of eating great and working out 5 days a week, that I haven’t lost a pound.
And I haven’t.
But I have lost 3 inches.
And for those of you that say that’s what matters, well. Kiss my. Um. Big toe?
because I don’t know where those 3 inches went, but they certainly aren’t the three that are helping me fit into smaller clothes.
NOTHING about my clothing size has changed.
So I’ve gotten frustrated.
And have been behaving badly.
Sneaking Mountain Dew and Lorna Doones and when I finally weighed myself yesterday after a week of this, I realized with surprise that I have lost 5 pounds this week.
Wha?
Now, I know the food isn’t good for me, and I will try to jump back on the healthy bandwagon, but it’s amazing how the first amount of self confidence boosting I have had in the past few months with regards to my body has come through two liters of Rootbeer and some junk food.
Now if I could only find a pizza or burger that would help me get rid of my double chin…
Found Randomly on the Web.
July 8, 2009
- Toilet paper Dress
Now THAT, my friends, is a bride who had time on her hands.
I am more of a scruncher in the first place, but for you folders out there – this toilet paper wedding dress should inspire you to greatness.
If my dress takes any longer to come in, I may recruit some of you to began folding for a back-up masterpiece.
Is that Armani?
June 10, 2009
I’m marrying him for his fashion sense.
Back and forth
June 3, 2009
I think Nick and I are both experiencing our share of cold feet lately.
It’s one thing to love someone and want to spend your life with them.
Quite another to live 29 years as a single person and get married at the height of your self-absorbed wisdom and knowledge that it’s not necessary to marry someone to spend your life with them.
And what is the big fear with that word?
I’m not sure, but I find myself hearing constantly, every day, that it’s not worth it, and that alone is enough to make me want to clench my eyes closed, jump through the hoop of fire, and find myself on the other side WITHOUT having to think about it first.
I know that he’s a good man, that our relationship is strong, and that I want a future with him.
But the logistics?
How? When? Why?
How do we get married and live together after not even being able to date in the same city for over 2 years?
Even when we were in the same city, spending time together on a longer term basis was hard for both of us.
We needed space, needed alone time, and well, when you’re sharing a bed, where do you find it?
I think that it says something that we acknowledge that this is huge and are willing to still do this, instead of backing away slowly as to avoid a fatal strike.
But at the same time, there is a small mountain of fear in the OCD side of my brain that goes through ridiculous amounts of Single Person Worries in the same tone that someone facing a firing squad might use.
WHAT IF he leaves wet towels on the floor?!!?
WHAT IF he doesn’t clean up after he shaves?!
WHAT IF he leaves his computer cords stashed around every room?!!!!
WHAT IF he DOESN’T RINSE OFF the dishes in the sink before putting them in the dishwasher?!!?
And the simple answer is, I’ll live. He’ll live. (maybe.)
Rather ridiculous that those nightmares are the things that keep me up at night, instead of the worries about whether or not we’ve grown too far apart.
I don’t worry as much about that.
We have stayed fairly close – we’ve grown some. He’s matured in some ways that I hadn’t expected. And has lost patience in other ways that are only a sign of being apart.
Same with me, I figure.
I don’t worry about that as much as I do the getting used to living with someone.
To having to check with someone.
I haven’t had to check with someone about a decision I’ve made since I was… oh, around 16 or so.
13 years.
This will be new.
Back and forth, back and forth.
A seesaw of minute problems that don’t even exist except in my mind.
I suppose it’s nice not to worry about the bigger things.
And it is.
At least, until I remember the dirty dishes.
Tornado Nuptuals.
May 22, 2009
Nothing says THANK GOD for solid foods quite like flu recovery.
I’ve been down and out for a bit – feeling like I’d been hit by a bulldozer or something even more entertaining. A car full of sumo wrestlers, perhaps?
I get lazy when I’m sick.
Not that I haven’t been following that particular path for a few months now, but Save The Dates were addressed and sitting on my counter for a few days before they made their way to the mailbox this morning.
And the mailbox is in my complex.
It’s not like I have to travel elsewhere – I just have to get out of my car and put them in the mail slot.
Yeah.
That kind of lazy.
The wedding is coming quickly – it’s like watching a tornado overtake your life. Not that I’m calling Nicholas a tornado, merely that you never really know just how much you DON’T have done – how much you AREN’T prepared for… for instance, you don’t have enough water, you’re not wearing rubber soled shoes, where is your ID?!!?, and things like that.
I’m doing that.
Just with wedding stuff.
Plates, linens, MONEY, favors, details…
a little over 4 months and counting and my life is full of unanswered questions.
What about the custody battle?
Will it be resolved by that time?
I would have said yes when we got engaged. Now? I’m not sure.
We still have a hearing before we ever do that… and. and. and.
Where will we live?
What will I do?
So much to answer, so little time to answer it.
You can tell I’m feeling better because I’m back to losing my mind.
Hell, now I’m even going to have to clean and do laundry and stuff.
Walk the dogs instead of just telling them to pretend they got exercise when I was too sick to move.
Obviously they minded. (Note the look of bliss – bone in mouth, closed eyes, half smile, being petted…)
Lindsey needs to come in and help me take over and organize this particular event.
She is very capable in that way.
I wonder if it’s a genetic thing – I certainly don’t possess that particular aptitude.
I can, however, fold t-shirts very well. Though. I doubt neatly folded laundry would impress my wedding guests nearly as much as food and beer would.
Such selfish bastages.
It’s an art, I tell you.
Some Wishes. #1? A nap.
April 6, 2009
What is it about going somewhere out of town that, no matter how much fun you have, you always breathe a sigh of relief when coming home?
Even if the house is a wreck, as mine was.
Even if there is no laundry done, as mine wasn’t.
There’s just something about sitting on your own couch that no other feeling can replicate.
I wish I’d had a good night’s rest, but I didn’t.
I can’t really explain why.
Perhaps it’s the several tons of junk food that I ate this weekend in the pursuit of fried happiness.
My trainer will be so pissed on Tuesday, but you know what? A little anger is good for the soul.
I’m simply helping her process feelings better than she might have otherwise.
Besides. We haven’t had the nutrition talk yet. So this weekend doesn’t count.
I went into Tennessee to visit with my soon-to-be sister in law Amanda and my BIL Jesse.
Jesse’s quite the hottie and Amanda’s quite the beautiful lady.
I can’t help but think they’ll have gorgeous kids.
Not that that really has much to do with anything.
Just a random observation that slips out do to my overwhelming tiredness.
I’m still pissed about JC.
I clicked on the contact all friends and favorites list – a good majority I already know how to reach.
But it seemed easier than going down the line when all that just pissed me off more.
It seems a weak excuse to me when I know just what Dave went through trying to keep ITW going.
How much money came out of his own pocket.
How working on it was a full time job for him – in addition to his actual full time job.
And it was just him!
So to come suddenly and say they can’t do it anymore without any warning or software malfunction – I have to give them low marks.
Whether or not it was a shoddy site or not doesn’t really matter – it was much better suited than this one for noting and reply purposes and I’m going to miss that very basic format.
Abbey was a terror this morning.
Not in the ‘hang her by her toes’ way, but in the way that suggests that things are moving right along with her hormones.
She left her hair curly – it’s getting curly as she gets older… where the hell did she get that from?!!? – for the Easter egg hunt yesterday at the church with Melissa and her two siblings…
(Slight interruption here as I ponder the humor of allowing kids to search for Easter eggs on church grounds that also hosts a haunted house on Halloween and then telling me, the CATHOLIC, that I’m going to hell…)
… she didn’t seem to realize it would be very interesting the next morning when she woke up.
And it was.
And it was THE. END. OF. HER. LIFE.
Apparently bad hair days are much more traumatic than they used to be – and the fact that I had warned her it would happen in the hopes of getting her to shower before bed didn’t matter because her SOUL had withered due to the frizzy mass of tangles.
And then she burned her finger with the straightener.
DO YOU HEAR ME?
BURNED her FINGER.
I tried to call the hospital to get the Med to send the helicopter, but no such luck.
Apparently she’ll just have to live with it today.
Doesn’t anyone understand that that’s too much to deal with in one day? A soul withering and a burned finger?
Life is SO unfair.
Welcome to my world.
Step in, the water’s tumultuous.
Maybe not.
February 7, 2009
There are so many things going on in my life right now.
I keep thinking I’ll have a chance to update, get it all out on paper, but that’s not happening.
Mostly, though… I’m missing my fiance and wishing I had the time or money to run up to Minneapolis for a visit.
Then again, there are some things that make me think twice about that.
A cautionary tale.
January 16, 2009
Don’t ever let me shop for you.
Ever.
Every time I have a selection to choose from, I always, always, always choose the most expensive item without needing to look at a price tag.
In this way, wedding shopping has been a nightmare. I love it – it’s tons of fun, but the minute I hear a price, I immediately wince on the inside. And then, of course, find a way to do it in my budget.
But today’s amusement comes from invitation shopping.
I fell in love.
And not the temporary love.
We’re talking the once-in-a-lifetime kind of love that a woman can only feel with truly good design. (and my fiance, of course.)
And.
The invitation set alone started at $1500. to upwards of $4000.
The moral of this story is that I need to hire a wedding planner and then not be allowed to make any major decisions until she can give me a selection of only three items – then I need to go from there.
No one let me near Nordstrom’s shoe department! I’m armed with expensive taste!
