A note.
August 23, 2010
I forget sometimes just how much I love my husband until I see him again.
It’s a lot.
The past.
August 19, 2010
I hated waking up that morning – it was so early!
But I loved waking up beside you, especially for little adventures like this one.
Watching my first ever live implosion was a little sad, a little awesome and a little nerve-wracking.
The dust ate the blue sky and would have eaten us if not for a quick retreat to the car.
I loved you so much then.
Another steal
August 18, 2010
By a lady named Anna Bond, on a guest post for A Cup of Joe:
“”Love your other how they need to be loved, not how you need to be.” A friend told me this simple mantra, saying that it had transformed his parents’ marriage. It has stuck with me ever since. It makes so much sense and yet is so easy to forget because I think by nature we tend to be pretty selfish. Love is selfless, though, and what truly makes me happy is when my husband is happy. So, a key to a good marriage is trying your best to focus on what your significant other needs you to be to him, instead of what you want him to be to you.”
I want to remember this.
It seems profound.
Something to aspire to.
So. Profound and a little sad in some ways.
Stop trying to make me feel inferior.
I won’t consent to that.
Stop telling me about my flaws.
They exist well enough without you pointing them out.
It’s a hard job to like yourself and an even harder job to love yourself.
And I’m busy working on that right now. Really Busy.
So I’m not here to convince you to love me as I am.
You do or you don’t.
But I’m biologically made this way.
And though eating habits and exercise habits help make me a healthier woman, I exist in this body THIS way right now.
And that’s perfectly fine.
I don’t need your acceptance of that.
Where I am in my life may be short of where I want to be.
And especially short of where other people think I ought to be.
That really isn’t for you to say.
And I’ve noticed that many people who judge my shortcomings spend way too much time focused on where I’m not.
And too little time thinking about where they are in their own lives.
Wouldn’t you be happier without the negativity?
I know I would.
It’s weighing me down.
I don’t consent to that either.
Directly Indirect. You can’t move mountains.
August 11, 2010
When I grow up I’m going to be a mountain.
And not just any mountain.
I’m going to stand tall and strong.
I’m going to provide shelter from the sun.
An anchor for homes, for land, for animals, for people.
I’m going to be unmoveable.
Unpushable.
Undissolvable.
Wind and rain, sweat and tears will shape me slowly.
But they will not change what I am.
Only mold me into something more meaningful than I was alone.
How many times do we wish to be more than what we are? To have more, to be able to do more?
I wish it. Wish for strengths I wasn’t born with.
Energy for marathons, motivation for mountain climbing, heart to give and give and give, the ability to forgive and forget more quickly, the knowledge to plan for the future so that no obstacle stumbles in front of me at the last minute.
I don’t have those things.
I am what I am. Human. But good in many ways.
I can express myself in words and actions. I know myself – who I am and what I stand for. I love openly and willingly with the ability to forgive completely – even if it sometimes takes a little time. I’m a good mom, a good daughter. I’m crazy in specific ways, insightful in too many others. I try walking in other people’s shoes so as not to put a fit onto someone else that is only suited for me. I work hard, with a good work ethic. I’m patient with very little temper to spice up an argument. I can grocery shop with the best of them. I’m a good and loyal friend. I’m accepting of the qualities of others. I’ll protect my loved ones with my life. I can bake a mean pan of brownies. I can sing without hurting ears. I can make people laugh when they don’t mean to. I’m full of surprises in the most dependable kind of way. And always, what you see is what you get.
That’s part of who I am.
The good in who I am.
Maybe I’m not a mountain quite yet.
But I’ll get there.
I only hope you’re around to see it.
To see how wrong you are about me.
Fierce.
May 14, 2010
Google is a winding path of sorts.
You start off at one subject and end up someplace completely unexpected.
Most of these journeys are fruitless, some teach you a little something.
I following a meandering Lish path not too long ago and ran across this gorgeous couple, Karen and Todd Andrews from Minneapolis.
The path leading me there is not important at the moment, but when I arrived there I ‘met’ 2 gorgeous people on CaringBridge – folks about my age (though a million times better looking), successful young people with a strong relationship with each other, supportive family and friends, and a really horseshit road to travel.
Todd’s got cancer.
And not just cancer, he’s got Cancer. With a capital C. But he’s also got a supportive wife, a supportive job, a good outlook and this willpower that keeps him going when the Cancer keeps trying to kick his ass.
Had this bastard disease not jumped him, he’d have beautiful kids and a long life ahead of him.
But the first has been rendered impossible biologically with the chemo treatments. The second is up in the air.
And his beautiful wife – she’s the one that gets to me the most. She’s sunny and sparkly and so fierce. I think she would literally kick Cancer’s ass if she could just get her hands on it. Just by sheer will. You can tell she’s one step away from screaming it out of him… dear heavens, I wish that would work, too.
Together they have taught me, without even realizing it – because they don’t know who the hell I am, a little bit about marriage and the unexpected and how it changes you – but not what your marriage is.
It’s a bigger word than I thought originally.
And they get up in the morning (or afternoon) when I’m not sure I could. And they go to the park and to baseball games and they keep LIVING because this damned cancer isn’t going to take that away from them if they can help it…
They’re just simply beautiful.
And I PRAY, so hard, that there is a treatment that can help Todd.
Life is so precious.
Don’t even THINK about mentioning food to me.
May 10, 2010
There are fun things about being pregnant… but they don’t happen until you’re a bit further along than I am.
I’m only five weeks, guys.
Five weeks and though the morning sickness has not hit with a vengeance there are mornings like this one… Where I’m not sure if I’m going to vomit or cry, when nothing tastes or smells like it’s supposed to and where my ability to deal with people has gone totally down the drain.
I’m really. really. really. uncomfortable.
The rain outside has turned the entire city a dim sort of grey and I would love nothing more than a nap. A nap where my stomach and my boobs cannot move an inch.
Ah. The things that make me happy right now.
It’s how I spent much of my weekend.
And is not at all how I get to spend next weekend, when my husband will join me in the Memphis area and tell me that I need to move around more and nap less.
Right before I punch him in the face.
Actually, he’ll more than likely be 100% understanding, as he’s been great 99% of the time during my pregnancy so far (a whole 5 weeks in) and has even surprised me in some of his opinions on things…
But.
Because he did this to me.
And because I feel so icky.
I want to punch him in the face.
It’s nothing personal and I mean it with all of the love in my heart.
This is just… first trimester pregnancy talk.
Life is DEFINITELY about to change.
May 7, 2010
C’mon Thursday!
April 13, 2010
My nerves are getting the best of me.
My mood is sunshine-y and bright the past few days and I am almost jumping out of my skin waiting for Thursday to get here for me to see those gorgeous brown eyes get off that plane from Minneapolis – hopefully with the rest of my husband’s body of course.
Tax prep and daily bumps in the road have served to show me just how much better my life would be with him around from a pragmatic reasoning… but the grin on my face and nerves in my stomach tell me that I just need him around as a woman needs her man around – I’ve not ever dated someone that still gave me butterflies almost 6 years into it!
He confounds me and unnerves me. Angers me and humors me. The days may sometimes be the same but they are never boring with my Dr. Husband.
He would laugh if he could see me trying makeup and clothes on in the hopes that he’ll think I’m beautiful – as though we had just started dating.
I’m ridiculous.
But, it’s a great feeling.
Abbey’s a bit jealous that she can’t go see him this week – I feel so bad that she hasn’t gotten a chance to spend time with him lately.
He and I will have to make plans to change that – she misses him terribly.
In the meantime, for her, summer visitation is rushing up to greet us – only it greets us with a kick in the nads – we hate this time of year.
Oh, she’s excited to get out of school, but says she ‘needs her mama.’
Her mama needs her too.
Still, I am lucky that visitation started when she was 2 – that means that I rarely face any screaming fits and refusals to go anymore. She’s used to it – it’s all she can remember.
It’s hard to think that, but hopefully her life with me has convinced her that a slightly abnormal family in the sense of the traditional definition isn’t so bad.
She’s a good kid and I adore her.
Still. I’m going to enjoy crawling into bed with that man of mine this weekend.
Time is taking forever to pass before the 4 days of Nick time – 4 days that will feel as short as 4 hours.
He better be over the moon to see me, damnit. 
Clenching the armrests.
February 16, 2010
Ah, I love Valentine’s Day.
Well.
No, I don’t.
But with my husband in Minneapolis, I’m not subjecting to much of the pink and red stuff.
In fact, the only thing good about Valentine’s Day is the guaranteed flowers. I LOVE getting flowers. LOVE. And cards. But Nick hasn’t quite picked up on the fact that getting a card – A real card – means way more than a gift does to me (hint.) and so we’re still working on that one.
This V-day didn’t bring flowers though – no, it wasn’t giftless. Nick’s very aware of the date – he likes the holiday! Go figure! But the gift was unusual even for him and that makes it neat in its own way.
As for Nick, I bought him a coffee gift card.
That sounds lame, I know.
But anything electronic or hobby-ish he’d prefer to pick out himself and doesn’t tend to hold back on buying. He’s pretty stocked on clothes – way more than me at the moment – and his only real activity, other than racquetball and gaming, is drinking coffee.
It’s his new addiction – and Caribou is feeding it nicely. Now, I’m helping Caribou along and my thrifty husband will be enjoying coffee for at least a week or two on someone else’s dime.
For him, that’s a win-win.
I won’t say the day wasn’t depressing in a way.
Now that we’re married I’m quickly heading towards devastated that we aren’t together yet. But.
I’m still counting my blessings – and there are many.
Not enjoying much of Fat Tuesday – never do.
Though this year I think I’m going to try the mother of all sacrifices for Lent.
SODA.
I know.
I wasn’t sure about putting it in print. This would take more willpower than I’ve ever shown towards anything in my life. So. I don’t want to put it in print and have people nag me about it.
But. I’m thinking this may be the real deal – the big attempt.
I don’t want to. Who wants to give up their addictions?
But I will. I can. If I just say it often enough.
Now, if my husband would give up internet gaming we’d be at full sacrifice mode. But he isn’t likely to do so – I don’t think the symbolism means much to him.
But. I’m growing in some ways that I never expected and it’s become important to me for me to make a Real Gesture. Not just for myself or my faith, but for other people as well. And for the me that I’m becoming.
The notion that I get to choose what I go without doesn’t sit well with me, especially when I think of those in Haiti and what change this path month has brought to their lives. People all over the world are sacrificing things that I take for granted and the notion that I am so incredibly lucky that I’ve been able to have a chance to become addicted to something as soda – when so many can’t even get clean drinking water – well… that’s pathetic.
I need this, I think, to teach me about taking material things for granted and to help me get in touch with my lost willpower.
Such a small thing to symbolize so much, I suppose.
It may even sound stupid.
But it’s a start.
And it’s definitely much harder than it sounds.
I currently drink a little over a gallon of water a day, two gallons of milk a week and soda every day. I’m like a camel with a liquid fetish.
So, this is Big for me. And some people may not survive my attempt. (She says as she takes a swig of her Coke.)
Ah yes. This next month or so should be interesting.
Pray for my family.
