Echoes.

My dad mentioned last night that I’m more bitter than I have been in previous years.
That’s not really an easy thing to hear, especially when you’re a person who works so hard on shedding the bad mojo to move on happily with your life.

I know you can’t shrug off everything but the fact that it’s showing to outsiders tells me the problem is much more serious than I thought.
Granted, serious is a relative thing – I’m very happy and mostly well-adjusted even.

But the situation with my daughter and my husband has led me to a place of pain that doesn’t overwhelm so much as it always exists.
I didn’t realize being married would make such a difference to being apart and being caught in this mess of my own making.
But it does.

And I didn’t realize that being the parent of a teenager would cause me to long for a little bit of help – not because I can’t handle her or our life together, but because sometimes SHE deserves a person with a different perspective.
But she’s got me.
Nick can’t help from MN and Abbey’s father isn’t active when the going gets tough, so…
Yeah.
I get angry.
She deserves a male father figure in her life that loves her enough to put himself out for her.
And Ben doesn’t do it, and Nick doesn’t have the opportunity.

I blame myself for part of it.
And I’m angry for making such a bad male choice.
Of course… who makes good ones at 15?

Watching the people I love hurt is not something I’m good at.
I’m a mother.
Mothering takes up a good portion of my time and energy, whether it’s focused on my child or someone else.
It doesn’t turn off.
It doesn’t go away.

Being caught in a place that I can neither fix nor escape means that I feel like a  failure.

I KNOW my daughter is better off with me.
With me she has the only chance of seeing everyone she loves as much as possible.
With me she has the chance of being able to grow up and make her own choices AND face the consequences.
There are punishments and rewards.
With me she has the only chance of being inspired to go after her dreams and motivations instead of being tempted to settle for what she can get to make others happy.
Sure, I’d love for her to choose the things I think are good for her, but even more than that, I’d love for her to choose the things that ARE good for her – and only by having that freedom and making good decisions and bad ones can you get to that special place.

I know I’m the only one that works hard on making sure her environment is as happy and conflict free as possible.

And even though that means right now that I can’t be as much fun as I would like to be – teenagers provide plenty of opportunities for discipline and restrictions of themselves – it also means that I am giving my all to parenting this wonderful child I was blessed with.

Not just seeing what I can get out of it.
Or angling for the most time.
Sometimes the best thing for her is for me to say no.

And sometimes the best thing for her is for me to push forward and change our reality.

I freeze in fear though.  Sometimes.
And sometimes I am angry.
The three of us deserve better.