Echoes.

I want to say something meaningful.
Something big and deep and thoughtful and… POSITIVE.
I’ve been mired in negativity this past week – this sense that everything is going downhill and that things aren’t going to turn out okay.

PMS is a bitch.

But more than that – the fears that I have that my life isn’t going to get on track.
That I’ve signed up for this long and hard journey with Nick, that these positive hopes and dreams that we’re having together aren’t going to come to fruition.
I have this great, wonderful husband who, because of complications in my life is having to put off starting his own family and buying a house and moving forward – and he’s not putting any bitterness towards me about it.  He’s being wonderful.
And I have this daughter – this love that is totally encompassing – who can drive me crazy and make me pull my hair out – but at the end of the day makes me happier than any human can make another human… and I’ve put us all in this terrifyingly scary position of Change.

Change isn’t bad.
But change that you aren’t in charge of.
A destiny that you don’t have much of a hand in – well, that’s terrifying.

How can I feel so guilty and so angry and so blessed?  All at the same time?

Guilty that I’m asking this of my daughter.  Nick is a grown man and made his decision as such.  But Abbey doesn’t have as much say in the choices she has – oh, she has more than enough say in the choice of which of the two to pick – but she wasn’t in on the discussion of the types of choices she was going to choose from.
How do I ask her to choose between not great and not great?  Especially when I KNOW being with me is the best choice for her future – if not the most comfortable and happy NOW.

I don’t like change either!

And I’m angry.  At myself.  At the weight I’ve become.  At this letting go of myself in these areas that I had always prided myself on before.  Where did it go?  That pride?  That sense of self? 
I can’t blame it all on the ‘well-meaning’ comments of the men that love me the most.  They knocked me down, for sure, but only I can keep me down.  And I have.  Why?  The distance?  The futility of this never-ending court case?  The changes coming?  
I’m not sure.  Which makes me angry. 
I’m making the decision to put my family in this situation and that makes me angry.
I’m angry that my knees and back hurt.  Angry that Nick brought me a small hot chocolate.  Angry at my father for telling me to avoid sodas.  Angry at looking like a blueberry in the shirt I’m wearing today.  Angry that I don’t automatically get custody because I’ve spent all these years taking care of Abbey and her business and it’s just The Right Thing – and yet I have to fight to prove that to someone who can be taken in my Ben and Melissa’s big brown eyes and emotional plea for their rights.
What about Abbey’s rights?
Her right to understanding?  Her right to say no?  Her right to have her own opinions and voice them?  Her right to speak her mind?  Her right to grow up without the racial prejudices and stereotypes that keep her father’s household prisoner?  Her right to learn AND CHOOSE about love and God and faith and relationships without the yelling and worrying and ugliness that comes along with emotional immaturity?  Her right to HAVE rights in the first place?
So I’m angry.

Angry and guilty and it’s mashing together into this overwhelming ball in my guts that just waits for the conclusion to this most recent battle.
Good or bad, it’s my fault.
MINE.

So there are ups and downs.
On one hand I’m carrying around my self-made concrete albatross of guilt and anger. 
On the other hand I’m overwhelmingly happy with the love that I’ve found and my child and my life.  I’m blessed in that.  In our good health.  In our finances.  In our family.  In our emotional maturity and the ability to talk to and have fun with one another.  I’m blessed that Abbey can have privileges that I provide for her – so many families fight for that.  I’m blessed that I have the parents I have, that have given so much.  I’m blessed in my dogs – they are healthy and crazy and wonderful.
And I’m blessed in my husband – a man I respect and love in a way I never thought possible.

I suppose this is being an adult.
Being a human.
I can’t protect my daughter from Life.
Wouldn’t want to – she needs to learn and I make a good home base on that particular playing field.

I’m scared of losing this.
Scared of what it would mean to Abbey. 
Good or bad I want it to be okay for her to make choices and learn from them.
I want her to know that there aren’t any good or bad religions or races – but good and bad people.
I want her to have freedom to find her own way, to be who she wants to be and to aim for HER dreams.  Not someone else’s dreams for her.

And I think I’m the only way she’ll ever get a chance to do that.
I’m fighting a battle I cannot lose – and only a 50/50 chance of winning.

God, please bless my family. 
Please watch out for my daughter during this time.
Please strengthen us so that we can get through this with as little hurt and fear as possible.
And please help us to choose the right path.
And please, please make sure Abbey is okay – REALLY okay – through this all.  I love her.  So much.
Amen.