Echoes.

Ebb and Flow.

My life has been full of accomplishments lately.
I’ve moved back in with my parents – which would be a sign of failure in most families… or a sign of hard times… or really… technically… a sign of logic.
If they can handle it and your family can handle it, it can really be an awesome solution.

In my case, it’s part of planning for the big picture. 
I didn’t want to give up my apartment, but the truth is that my husband and I don’t need two rents when our savings can go towards a down payment on a house.
A buttload of money for a house payment.  He’s more comfortable with a buttload down.  Thank goodness our salaries support our endeavors.

And so the four of us – my parents, my daughter and me are all squished inside our totally normal-sized house and making the most of our individual need for independence.

I’m lucky that my family is close.
And that I can go to the bathroom and pee in peace if I need a moment’s quiet.

I’ve managed to buy most of my Christmas presents – this won’t seem like much to you guys, but you’re talking to a woman that leaves work at noon on the 24th each year to finish her shopping.
Only having two or three people to shop for is AMAZING for me.
I feel as though I’m Superwoman and I want to brag to everyone I see that I’ve accomplished something this Christmas.
WITH spirit for the season!

An accomplishment that’s much, much bigger than any of the aforementioned accomplishments.

I’m a Grinch.
The Queen of the species, actually and to feel even moments of sparks makes me wonder if part of me is coming back to life after being buried for so long under single parenting responsibilities and multiple jobs and everything else that comes along with adulthood.
And I’m not saying my grinchdom has ever had anything to do with my daughter – if anything, she’s the one that kept me from ditching the holiday completely – her excitement is infectious in all things that affect her.
But.
I find myself, this year for the first time since my own childhood, becoming excited when I’m away from her, when I’m buying for other people, when the songs come on, when I see the decorations.

Perhaps my heart is growing in size, though I really don’t see how it could be any bigger.  I’m already the biggest sap I know.  Just ask my husband.

If it’s not obvious, I’m back on the meds.  The insurance has been straightened out and it’s even better than mine could PRETEND to be, even on the travel program.
Sure, it’ll take a little more work on my end – the waiting and paperwork is a nightmare, but considering the insurance is local in MINNESOTA I guess I can be a little patient.

I feel bad for feeling so steady now. 
The lives of those around me aren’t.
Some of them have made their own beds.
Some haven’t.
I’m trying to learn the fine art of shutting up.
Trying being the operative word, but I hope they appreciate my attempts.

Learning that you don’t have the right answer for other people HAS to be one of the most difficult things to learn.  Especially for an overprotective mom figure such as myself. 
But the need to scream the answers I feel so concretely on the inside is fairly easy to overcome at the moment.
I don’t see the need to alienate the people I love – too many splits recently from ridiculousness.
I’m not going to be the cause of any.
At least not.
Today. 

Today I shall just be grateful that I’m feeling better.
Grateful I can hold my tongue.
Grateful that my daughter can still laugh over silly things like a girl, even as she grows into a woman.
Grateful that I have the most wonderful man in the world – and I can call him husband. 
Grateful my Christmas tree is up and decorated and I didn’t have to do any of it.  (My least favorite part EVER.)
And grateful. 
So grateful.  Of the hope that is poking its head into my life.  Small, beautiful hope.  The holder of my prayers and my future.

Blessings.  All of it.