Echoes.

I’m going to put the wedding recaps on hold for a day or two.
For several reasons.
This week has been shaping up to be a hard one and it’s hard to give the recaps the joy and love that I felt during those days.
And still feel – when I have my prescriptions.
I let them lapse – an idiotic thing to do, and with the two insurances being switched around, I’m in med hiatus until that has been completed and I get confirmation of the change.
So, needless to say, I’m emotional in a way that I haven’t been for a while.

Being off the medicine doesn’t make anything any clearer. It doesn’t make me less thankful. It just makes it harder for me to compartmentalize things and so I thought we might talk about a few things that have come up this week.

I’ve been packing at the apartment – planning to move back in with mom and dad and save up some money for a down payment on a house. Nick is saving on his side of the country and we should have a hefty little sum of money put back after a year or so.
And while that’s awesome and logically the best decision, with giving up my name and giving up my insurance, giving up the apartment is crossing a line of independence I didn’t realize I wasn’t yet comfortable with doing.
When I’m on my medicine I remember that I’m doing this because it’s the best thing for my family. It’s a choice I can make – I don’t NEED to make it. I can afford to live on my own. I’m good with money now and balancing life and bills is a lot easier than it used to be for me.
So this is a choice, a temporary decision with an end date in sight and I need to embrace the chance to have a little more money in the bank.
Our savings were cut by the wedding and this is a good chance to fix that.

Off the meds it seems as though my independence is being cut off at the knees.
And it’s a combination of things.

So I’ve been rather melancholy – which is slightly ridiculous.

Driving to work this morning I heard a song by Carrie Underwood – one of my shameful girl crushes – and it brought to a head so many of the things I’ve been going back and forth on.
The song is “Wasted” and it’s one of those first album songs that never would have been released as a single and that most people probably forward through during a listen. As a snapshot, I’ll tell you that it’s about getting out of a bad situation so that you don’t one day look back and realize you wasted all those years in between.

And it hit home.

I worry constantly about what to do with Abbey, feeling like my moving to MSP with her would be the best thing, but if I just had a little more time here…
And I’m missing the point. Minneapolis might not happen with both of us, I realize this. But it represents opportunity for both of us that can’t simply be ignored.
I only have one life. I can’t wait for the right time to do everything I want to do – because there isn’t a right time for change or leaping for opportunity.

A friend of mine is having a hard time in her marriage at the moment. She gets constant advice on whether to stay or go and I try to avoid doing either. Not that I don’t have an opinion some days – I’m human. But I’m also well aware that I cannot fathom the pain and confusion that goes along with other people’s marriages and that basically… unless asked… I need to keep my big mouth shut.
That said. I thought of her during the song too. I don’t want her to feel like she wasted her life either – I want her to be happy and I wish life would shine a big “DUH!” sign whenver you finally come across the thing that will make you happy. Hindsight really isn’t all that helpful.
And so. If you’re out there, lady, whatever you do, think about where you want your life to end up and walk that path.
If it’s with him, if it’s not – I want you to be happy. And I want you to spend these years of your life working towards that. Okay?

Which brings me to another point. The biggest point.
Gay marriage.
I watched Ellen and Portia on Oprah recaps. And am struck again by just how much I love Ellen as a role model. And just what beautiful and eloquent these two women are.
Having just gotten married myself, and realizing what a difference it has made in ways I couldn’t have fathomed before, I hurt even more for the people that are unable to take this step forward in their relationships.
It’s hard to remember, when you take a right like this for granted, the little nuances that mark the change from committed relationship to marriage. Calling her wife, him husband. People in hetero relationships use those terms automatically, but many gay people cannot.

“‘The thing about being a gay couple is that in the past you referred to your wife and there was quotation marks around it. There was always that chance that people would kind of snicker about it,’ Portia says. ‘Now it’s fact. It’s law. She’s my wife. I get to say that she’s my wife, and that’s just the way it is.’”

I use the term husband these days and stand strong when I do so. There is no argument from those around me. He is what he is. I have pictures, rings and a certificate to prove it.
The casual dismissal that Portia speaks about would rock me to the core. Because I can’t imagine what ever gave people the notion that we have the right to take that solidarity away from other human beings.

“Ellen says that being married does feel different than dating. ‘It feels like you’re home. There’s an anchor. There’s a safety,’ she says. ‘We are all equal citizens, and we should have the same right that anybody else on this earth has.’”

She’s right. I don’t vote based upon my religious convictions – I LIVE according to my convictions. There’s a difference. And I’m not against gay marriage on either front.
And this fits the theme because I don’t want to look into another human’s eyes and tell them that because of my beliefs that BY LAW they do not have to believe in, I have left them longing for the same solidarity that I carry around with me in my heart and head every single day now.

Because marriage IS different.
It feels different.
There’s a knowledge that this won’t be easy, but that you’re in it for the long haul. You’re not keeping one foot out the door, you’re not keeping your life separate. When you come home cranky, that directly impacts the other and yet, they’re there for the long run.

So. I hope when the time comes that you’ll all vote FOR people. Not against them. Choosing to allow someone to take advantage of their RIGHTS is not the same as condoning something you don’t believe in. It’s just letting them take advantage of something God granted us long ago. Free will.