A step back into the light.
November 24, 2009
I don’t have any cuticles at the moment.
I’ve yanked them all out.
Not on purpose.
Some people bounce their legs up and down. (I do that too.)
Some people flip their hair.
Some people thrum their fingers.
Some of the younger set pick their nose or suck their thumbs.
I apparently pull my cuticles out.
No.
It’s not quite like it sounds.
Thanks for asking but I’m not a masochist.
I’m just a naturally jittery person.
In a naturally jittery family.
With a naturally stressful lifestyle, as anyone in this industry can tell you.
But I’m feeling much better than I have been.
I stepped up to the plate, put on my big girl pants and embraced some changes that this marital life is bringing me.
And by embraced I mean was dragged kicking and screaming the entire way.
But, the hard part of this particular subject is over.
I found a solution, found the motivation to WORK on the solution and because of this, I’m able to breathe a bit easier today.
The thing about living with anxiety is that it’s not something people CHOOSE to have.
You don’t decide you want to worry about every ridiculous moment and live the rest of your life that way.
It doesn’t just mean you’re worried.
Everyone worries.
But most people don’t worry during EVERY cognitive moment… even regarding things that have no concrete definition or design.
So making sure to monitor your anxiety and being mature and responsible enough to seek help is a good thing.
Because you don’t NEED cuticles.
But you do need sleep. And teeth that aren’t ground down to nubs.
I guess what I’m saying is that this is Lish’s public service announcement to play it smart.
Know your body.
Know your mind.
And for heaven’s sake, don’t be an ignorant dumbass about getting help.
The stress of the skies. An effort in cheesy sayings.
November 23, 2009
Act normal, act normal, act normal…
Just because I don’t feel like laughing doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t anyway.
Even though I couldn’t repeat a word of what you said to me doesn’t mean I didn’t really mean it when I asked about your weekend.
I’m just a little tired right now.
A little stressed.
My smile might not reach my eyes – as stupid as that phrase is – but there is a point somewhere inside where I actually mean it.
I just am having a hard time concentrating on it.
Or anything, really.
Some weekends just aren’t long enough to recuperate completely.
I hate this negativity that has planted itself here.
My daughter came home teary-eyed last night.
Nothing happened, except what has happened to the rest of us.
The cloudy days do their damage like they do every winter.
She wants to see her therapist again. Talks about feeling a gigantic hole in her chest all of the time.
But doesn’t want to see Angie because her dad and stepmom make fun of her.
Ironic.
To credit counseling with a church leader as saving their marriage, but laughing at counseling with a person who holds degrees in the subject – as though God wouldn’t visit you in their office too.
I just tell her how it is for me.
How alike we are.
How it’s okay – normal, even.
And she identifies with what I say, my coping techniques for a problem that I didn’t even realize I had at that age.
She’s lucky.
Feeling this way sucks but realizing you aren’t losing your mind is a gift.
What would happen to her if I weren’t the one in charge right now? If she had to rely on them and their opinions on the subject?
Would she end up as scared and unsure of the implications as my husband is?
Because there are no implications in the reality of it.
There’s simply fact and how to deal with it.
I don’t really want to tangent here.
I do wish I’d remember how to smile without it being a conscious decision.
Re: Constructive Criticism.
November 17, 2009
Bits and pieces of thought for the day from today’s discussion on Carolyn Hax:
“If you take someone else on as a “project” you are essentially rejecting part of who they actually are, and that will generate resentment, too. We need to learn how to live with the person we fell in love with, and we sandpaper each other’s rough edges in the process, but that isn’t criticism. That is adjustment. You shouldn’t mistake the two. You don’t love who a person *might* be, you love who a person *is*. Criticism is not an expression of love, it is an expression of dissatisfaction, and thus it’s a serious problem requiring some serious communication.”
“My personal take is that constant “constructive criticism” can be soul-killing. Treating every person as “work in progress,” in constant need of improvement can be demeaning to that person…At some point, you started to feel that it wasn’t worth trying because no matter how hard you tried, it wasn’t going to be good enough anyway, so why bother?”
“I dated someone who offered a lot of “advice,” always well-meaning of course. Problem was, it was soul killing to hear, day after day, how I just didn’t quite measure up. I told him that it was hurtful and he needed to stop. He “explained” that he couldn’t help it or that he didn’t mean to be hurtful. And then he kept right on doing it, even after I said to him that hurtful intentions or not, he WAS hurting me. So I left him, and never looked back.
To people who do this: If someone makes you that unhappy that you have to improve them, don’t waste your time or theirs. Just end it. And if you truly don’t mean anything mean by it, then shut up. Seriously. How would you like to be picked at all the time? It’s horrible. Stop, or you’ll end up alone.”
“It’s not “help” if he’s taking charge and imposing the improvements on her. It’s “help” if she’s wanting to improve in some area and she appreciates his assistance. “Help” is when you assist someone in a task that they are doing. It’s not “help” if you take charge.”
“I think the reason it is so fraught is that you want your marriage to be a safe place, a kind of sanctuary from the slings and arrows of the outside world, and if your spouse is critical of you, it really undermines that. Before I criticize my husband for anything, I try to ask myself: Is it really important? Does it really matter? Is it just something I disagree with, or is it something that could actually cause harm?”
HMMMmmmm.
If this doesn’t spark a mental reflection of how you communicate with your spouse over disagreements, I don’t know what will.
It certainly did with me.
Whirlpool.
November 16, 2009
Oh, God.
Oh GOD.
I feel myself being sucked down despite my best intentions.
So far calling the doctor repeatedly hasn’t worked. I can’t concentrate enough to think of what might.
The cycle that always begins after the meds disappear is familiar and painful at the same time. I’m not going crazy because I spent 28 years of my life feeling this way and I know how to handle it and take care of responsibilities and keep everyone around me mostly happy.
So it’s not craziness.
I’m not unable to handle things, I’m not becoming a bad parent, I’m not failing at work, I’m not behind on bills or responsibilities or planning.
Logically knowing that doesn’t take away from the fact that part of me feels like I’m going crazy because the medicine makes such a difference.
And this pattern is so familiar that it’s heartbreaking. Watching it come and being somewhat powerless at the moment is an odd feeling. But despite my best planning, a few glitches in the marriage/insurance changeovers have caused me to reach this point and so I can just brace myself.
I’d be fooling myself if I said this was only on the inside and doesn’t affect those around me. I’d also be fooling myself AND punishing myself if I said this is drastically affecting their lives.
The main change to outsiders is that I cry more. But we’re a family of criers so my lack of crying was as odd to them as purple elephants would have been.
So it’s comforting in a small way to know that this is barely a glitch to them.
It’s just me – and my husband – that feel the weight of this.
And he doesn’t understand how this works necessarily – but being 900 miles away is hard for a man who loves to fix situations and make people happy.
So this whirlpool isn’t unfamiliar.
Isn’t large by anyone’s standards.
But I’m standing above it, staring down.
I’ll be fine.
We’ll be fine.
And I know this.
But boy do I hate seeing the waters swirling below me/before me.
I wanna.
November 13, 2009
Missing my husband today in a physical way.
I’d give a lot just to hold hands like cheesy kids.
I think my heart is bruised with wishing for it.
Sometimes long distance marriages really suck.
How I jumpstarted communication with my conscience.
November 12, 2009
I’m going to put the wedding recaps on hold for a day or two.
For several reasons.
This week has been shaping up to be a hard one and it’s hard to give the recaps the joy and love that I felt during those days.
And still feel – when I have my prescriptions.
I let them lapse – an idiotic thing to do, and with the two insurances being switched around, I’m in med hiatus until that has been completed and I get confirmation of the change.
So, needless to say, I’m emotional in a way that I haven’t been for a while.
Being off the medicine doesn’t make anything any clearer. It doesn’t make me less thankful. It just makes it harder for me to compartmentalize things and so I thought we might talk about a few things that have come up this week.
I’ve been packing at the apartment – planning to move back in with mom and dad and save up some money for a down payment on a house. Nick is saving on his side of the country and we should have a hefty little sum of money put back after a year or so.
And while that’s awesome and logically the best decision, with giving up my name and giving up my insurance, giving up the apartment is crossing a line of independence I didn’t realize I wasn’t yet comfortable with doing.
When I’m on my medicine I remember that I’m doing this because it’s the best thing for my family. It’s a choice I can make – I don’t NEED to make it. I can afford to live on my own. I’m good with money now and balancing life and bills is a lot easier than it used to be for me.
So this is a choice, a temporary decision with an end date in sight and I need to embrace the chance to have a little more money in the bank.
Our savings were cut by the wedding and this is a good chance to fix that.
Off the meds it seems as though my independence is being cut off at the knees.
And it’s a combination of things.
So I’ve been rather melancholy – which is slightly ridiculous.
Driving to work this morning I heard a song by Carrie Underwood – one of my shameful girl crushes – and it brought to a head so many of the things I’ve been going back and forth on.
The song is “Wasted” and it’s one of those first album songs that never would have been released as a single and that most people probably forward through during a listen. As a snapshot, I’ll tell you that it’s about getting out of a bad situation so that you don’t one day look back and realize you wasted all those years in between.
And it hit home.
I worry constantly about what to do with Abbey, feeling like my moving to MSP with her would be the best thing, but if I just had a little more time here…
And I’m missing the point. Minneapolis might not happen with both of us, I realize this. But it represents opportunity for both of us that can’t simply be ignored.
I only have one life. I can’t wait for the right time to do everything I want to do – because there isn’t a right time for change or leaping for opportunity.
A friend of mine is having a hard time in her marriage at the moment. She gets constant advice on whether to stay or go and I try to avoid doing either. Not that I don’t have an opinion some days – I’m human. But I’m also well aware that I cannot fathom the pain and confusion that goes along with other people’s marriages and that basically… unless asked… I need to keep my big mouth shut.
That said. I thought of her during the song too. I don’t want her to feel like she wasted her life either – I want her to be happy and I wish life would shine a big “DUH!” sign whenver you finally come across the thing that will make you happy. Hindsight really isn’t all that helpful.
And so. If you’re out there, lady, whatever you do, think about where you want your life to end up and walk that path.
If it’s with him, if it’s not – I want you to be happy. And I want you to spend these years of your life working towards that. Okay?
Which brings me to another point. The biggest point.
Gay marriage.
I watched Ellen and Portia on Oprah recaps. And am struck again by just how much I love Ellen as a role model. And just what beautiful and eloquent these two women are.
Having just gotten married myself, and realizing what a difference it has made in ways I couldn’t have fathomed before, I hurt even more for the people that are unable to take this step forward in their relationships.
It’s hard to remember, when you take a right like this for granted, the little nuances that mark the change from committed relationship to marriage. Calling her wife, him husband. People in hetero relationships use those terms automatically, but many gay people cannot.
“‘The thing about being a gay couple is that in the past you referred to your wife and there was quotation marks around it. There was always that chance that people would kind of snicker about it,’ Portia says. ‘Now it’s fact. It’s law. She’s my wife. I get to say that she’s my wife, and that’s just the way it is.’”
I use the term husband these days and stand strong when I do so. There is no argument from those around me. He is what he is. I have pictures, rings and a certificate to prove it.
The casual dismissal that Portia speaks about would rock me to the core. Because I can’t imagine what ever gave people the notion that we have the right to take that solidarity away from other human beings.
“Ellen says that being married does feel different than dating. ‘It feels like you’re home. There’s an anchor. There’s a safety,’ she says. ‘We are all equal citizens, and we should have the same right that anybody else on this earth has.’”
She’s right. I don’t vote based upon my religious convictions – I LIVE according to my convictions. There’s a difference. And I’m not against gay marriage on either front.
And this fits the theme because I don’t want to look into another human’s eyes and tell them that because of my beliefs that BY LAW they do not have to believe in, I have left them longing for the same solidarity that I carry around with me in my heart and head every single day now.
Because marriage IS different.
It feels different.
There’s a knowledge that this won’t be easy, but that you’re in it for the long haul. You’re not keeping one foot out the door, you’re not keeping your life separate. When you come home cranky, that directly impacts the other and yet, they’re there for the long run.
So. I hope when the time comes that you’ll all vote FOR people. Not against them. Choosing to allow someone to take advantage of their RIGHTS is not the same as condoning something you don’t believe in. It’s just letting them take advantage of something God granted us long ago. Free will.
Getting ready.
November 11, 2009
There are always the obligatory getting ready shots.
What they don’t show you is that I was scared. to. death.
I spent the entire morning turned upside down. Stomach in knots.
Couldn’t keep food down.
Champagne was a temporary solution, but didn’t calm me down as much as medication would have.
But napping during the ceremony is frowned upon, so I said no to a little medicinal help and braved the day.
Why was I so stressed?
This is the part where the ‘this is big and irreversible’ started sinking in.
Why so late? Well, I’m a procrastinator about everything else, why not realizations?
A wedding day is crazy. We couldn’t find anything. We couldn’t find everyone. We couldn’t get everywhere.
All through the day people kept protecting me from the little things going wrong and I am so grateful now -
You hear all of these noises around you and feel much like a deer in headlights. You can see this big thing coming towards you but can’t really react much.
I was aware that Nick seemed to be fine – the reports back and forth were clear on that. I figured he’s pretty good at faking it – how could he feel normal?!!?
The day continued. We got ready on opposite sides of the same hotel, the boys with beer in hand, the girls with champagne.
I know now why girls have attendants on the day of their wedding.
Support is good, but an extra pair of eyes are better.
I couldn’t have found my head if they hadn’t been there to assure me it was still attached.
Not to mention my shoes, earrings and other paraphernalia. I’m half convinced I would have walked out naked!
So. I will share with you the beginning of the ascent to THE event. Keep in mind that I find the photos of the boys ABSOLUTELY yummy and there may be a plethora of them.
First the girls.
Krista started on my makeup. I guess it's pretty obvious I'm not used to the process!
And the dress came on... I love this picture. It shows that it takes a village on the big day.
Abbey did her part - apparently you stab yourself with earrings if your hands are shaking.
Krista's still working on my dress back there - but look at my sister's face. She is GLOWING for ME.
Just so everyone knows? I LOVE my veil.
On the way to the church, my nerves were still nuts so I reminded myself just why we women go through this hullabaloo.
Dad needed a little help and Allie was happy to assist.
I just can't help but think they're adorable.
During the guy’s morning… (all storylines are TOTALLY my own invention – it just LOOKS this way…)
Brady was feeling a bit devilish and needed someone to distract Nick. Jesse was happy to come to the rescue.
The challenge.
And the competition started... both determined to win.
Jesse: Mwahahahaha. Nick: I won't let you win this!
Jesse: Ha! Your wedding day excitement isn't even enough to give you superhuman strength, you mere MORTAL! I have NO MERCY!
MEANWHILE... on BRADY's side of the room...
Okay, Okay. Back to real life.
I’ve decided to wait on the guys photos a bit to do them as group shots… and so will only add a few more of their getting ready bits.
OH MY GOSH. She got the eye crinkles. These make me weak in the knees. I want to lick them. I go all fuzzy when he gives me an eye crinkles smile.
Jesse, with a total lack of respect for the fact that it's MY DAY, tries to hog the camera to celebrate his win.
Look, ladies! Look at what's about to walk down the aisle toward ME!
Ah well, the casual work is over. Time to get the man leg-shackled!
Details…
November 10, 2009
So I’m dividing up the photo-caps of the wedding by the galleries the photographer divided into.
Simply because it’s easier for me.
And it’s logical.
And right now both of those things are super sexy to me.
Today is the details – little tiny things that just catch your eye.
Not all of them, because there were tons.
But some.
I'll give you three guesses on who set this particular shot of my wedding ring up...
Gotta show the family loyalty - even on the big day.
Okay. So I was slightly nervous...
Buh-lingity bling.
Flowers my girls carried.
Flowers I carried.
Because they are gorgeous, more of the girls' flowers.
The traditional cry for help - that the boys neglected to tell Nick about...
Every groom needs a little reminder on his wedding day...
Krista made sure to help out with the decor...
And all I wanted was some awesome champagne and cake!
The day was gorgeous.
And little things like this are what really made it.
Plus.
The cake really WAS good.
I want cake.
Wedding Recaps: Day Before – Family Photos
November 9, 2009
The day before the wedding.
I’ll be honest, I was a nervous, cranky wreck.
Panicky, even.
This was a BIG deal, after all.
And while I loved seeing Nicholas, I was still as shaky as I could be.
That’s why it was so awesome to get out and hang out with Abbey, Nick and the photographers.
Having to hug and cuddle and love made us giggle self-consciously, but we secretly loved every minute.
Here are a few of my favorites for your enjoyment…
I have many favorites of the photos total, so this may take a few days…
(all photos taken by Lemin Studios)
Aren't we some cool cats?
We are very awkward subjects and while Abbey can flirt with the camera with the best of them, Nick and I felt VERY odd to be the center of attention.
LOVE.
It’s okay. Abbey loved us both anyway.
Yep. They're crazy!
Abbey thought she was hot stuff with her flirtatious eyes. Nick and I liked the hanging back and pretending we like each other part, too.
Awww. My new family.
We’re a good looking bunch, aren’t we?
I love the way that photo looks against the screen. She was having so much fun – they both were. All of us were.
I’m definitely glad I chose to have a family session the day before – it relaxed us a little bit and made us all remember we like each other.
One of my ALL TIME FAVORITE pictures of my daughter.
Abbey was so loving that day. Some pictures, like this one, didn’t start out being posed at all, but simply us hugging each other like we normally do and being caught in the act.
At the end of the day, I was back to thinking Nick was a rather yummy sort of man.
And he thought I was all right too.
That’s love for you.
Don’t worry – more to come… mush included.
A bit o’ marital honesty.
November 7, 2009
It’s wedding day once again in the Sparks Labello household and so the running around has commenced.
Okay.
It’s not MY wedding and that’s all that matters.
These kids are getting married at 18… the same age my parents got married. Which really makes me wonder what the HELL they are thinking.
Not that I’m against young marriages.
I just think they’re fucking retarded.
I think it must come with the age. MY age. And the fact that I’m the parent of a child only 5 years younger.
And I’d lock her in a kennel if she thought of doing something so totally life-altering and idiotic.
