Echoes.

It’s hard to explain what comes along the path of learning to like yourself.
Sure, liking yourself is a few steps away from loving yourself, but if we don’t count the outside attributes, I’m well on my way to thinking I’m a swell sort of person.

One of the hardest things to live with has been my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Mainly because I didn’t know I had it.
Sure, you guys have heard years of me joking that I was OCD, but when the diagnosis finally came, I really felt relieved – if not slightly overwhelmed.
The diagnosis meant that all of the things that drive me crazy, that make me anxious, that make ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE to the outside world had a validation they hadn’t previously.
It didn’t mean I didn’t need to work to overcome them, but it meant that the fear or anxiety I get when things aren’t ‘right’ is something that my body was physically affecting.
My brain acts against me, so to speak.

With that diagnosis, with the medication came a serenity that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
My ability to open myself to therapy and treatment has saved my life.

For those of you that are like I was – that don’t understand what this means on a day to day life, let me tell you a little bit about the things that affect me on a daily basis.

My schedule has become increasingly important to me. If changes are made to it, they need to be MY changes. Luckily I had Abbey when I was young, so I really think her presence has helped me keep this problem to a molehill rather than the mountain it could have become.
And when I say schedule I mean schedule. I get up, I…um… bathroom, I shower. I don’t deviate from this whatsoever because if I do, it ruins my entire morning.
I take my ring off before I shower, brush my teeth, and only put the ring back on after I’ve gotten out, brushed my teeth (again) and have brushed my hair and put it up.
To suggest that I go without a shower – just to run out for an errand – is likely to get you an ‘I can’t!’ which will make no sense to you… but understand I physically CANNOT make myself okay with going out until my routine is completed.
I get dressed in the same order, check for my purse and belongings in the same order, walk the dogs in the same order, and do a run down of the check list (lights, locks, dog’s water) in that order before I make my way out of the house.
Changing that means a day full of uneasy feelings and upset.
I don’t feel right and will worry until I get home and am able to check everything again.

I’m constantly worried about someone breaking into my house. I routinely check the back seat when I’m driving to make sure no one is there waiting to kill me. If one blind is out of place, leaving a small hole, I CANNOT leave it that way – convinced that someone is staring at me. Because of this I have elaborate escape plans for every place I visit in case someone were to start shooting, a fire were to break out, or if someone were to break in. I cross myself when passing accidents, convinced that that’s going to help. I don’t like my food to touch, I don’t like to eat foods mixed together – it’s taken me years to try such awesome dishes as pasta salads and jambalaya.
I can tell if someone has moved something of mine the minute I walk into the house and if they have I feel exposed and betrayed.
I’ve been known to break into hysterics at someone else doing my laundry – they don’t do it ‘right’ and I cannot fathom the idea of living in a place where Nick has moved in first and placed stuff in the WRONG places.

All of these things sound slightly nuts.
I sound picky and princessy.
And if it were simply a control issue, if I simply HAD to have it my way, that would be one thing.
But the differences between my world and your world is that changes in these things make me fearful, nervous, unable to sleep and sometimes eat, and altogether miserable.

Now. Imagine what that was like before I knew that this was real.
For a long time I didn’t understand that these feelings are the exception rather than the rule.
I thought I was half insane.
And while that may be true, it’s not because of these things.

So when I say I suffer from OCD, understand that some days, that’s exactly what it is – suffering. Something I’m wholly uncomfortable with but am trying to compromise and learn to live with, especially since it gets worse as you get older.
Understand that if I hadn’t become a mother when I did, if God hadn’t blessed me in that way, my life would be MUCH different than it is now, as kids teach you that you really CAN’T control everything and everyone around you. Sometimes the routine HAS to be broken and you have to live with it.
Otherwise I’d be much more of a hermit than I am now.
And every day is a learning process.
Every day is making a conscious decision to work on this – to keep with the routine that doesn’t negatively affect other people’s lives and to work on things that might hurt my marriage, such as stuffing Nick’s body into a trunk if he moves things after I set them down.

And I’m telling you all of this, letting you see exactly how nuts I am, so that you can understand that sometimes you DO need help and it’s okay to get that help.
That sometimes it’s NECESSARY to get that help.
That sometimes it saves your life, saves your relationships, saves your peace of mind to know that while this isn’t normal for everyone, it is normal for some.
It’s okay and workable. You can find the peace of mind that you think has disappeared.
And all of the depression out in the world isn’t just people that are having a hard time or people that just need to get over it.
It’s an illness that needs to be treated and monitored and doesn’t mean you’re weak or making too big a deal about something.

If something in your head, your heart, your instincts are affecting your life on a day to day basis, GET HELP.
Do not tell yourself it will go away – it won’t.
Do not tell yourself you can’t afford it – there are free help options everywhere.
Do NOT think that this makes you weak – it’s been my experience that the people that actively seek help are some of the strongest, most honest, and DEFINITELY most self aware people I’ve ever met, all traits that should be admired.

Sometimes in life you’re thrown curve balls. Open your eyes and decide how you’re going to handle them.