Echoes.

These minute updates seem to come with longer spans of distance in between them lately.
It’s not that I don’t want to update, but I simply lack interesting stories to tell.
Or I’m too caught up in a life that is becoming increasingly complicated as October 10th surges closer and closer.

I’m THRILLED about marrying Nick… in a way that has only lately been catching up with me. I can’t believe he got so lucky, that he gets to keep me, and I can’t believe that I’m getting a guy that really does want to help make my life better, even if we don’t always agree on what it takes to do so.

I’m NOT thrilled about the wedding, as this thing has expanded into a mountain – something that does not reflect what this day means to me at ALL, but at the same time, I feel so much love from the people that are finding ways to expand this day… they all think they’re doing it in a way that would make me happy and that they’re trying makes me feel loved.

But telling everyone I wanted a small wedding wasn’t a joke. I just underestimated just how important this was to people who are important to me.
And so to the rest of the world I’ll keep my mouth shut.
At the end of the day we’ll all be happy.
I’ll have my silly photos in a wedding dress with a rubber chicken, they’ll have the big day that they want me to have, and I’ll be married to the most honorable man that I’ve ever met… that I’m not related to.

You see, the past weekend I went to two showers thrown by people that I’m beginning to know better. I met women I’ve only heard of – met them in quite a large group – and the sheer amount of detail and love that went into these events is absolutely amazing. It’s a talent and a blessing… and how lucky am I that they cared enough to share that with me?

I’d love to write to you about the gifts, but they weren’t what stuck out to me. I’m not going to lie, the little girl in me that has dreamed of her own china pattern for years LOVED that I finally got a set of the fine china I registered for. But the gifts that struck me were the little things. Like Nick’s old next door neighbor who gave me a recipe for homemade dog treats for my dogs – and made sure to make some for them before I left Louisiana. She also gave me the Dance Dance Revolution for the Wii – only technically she bought it because she felt like Abbey would be overlooked in all the gifts and she felt like I’d registered for that to bond with my daughter. And she was right.
Nick’s aunt made an afghan for us – and cried when she told me how she’d prayed for our relationship and our marriage as she was crocheting it – a bit cheesy, but touching because she was so sincere about it.
The women did crafts and made food and thought of every little detail to make my day happy and for me to feel special.
How blessed am I?

Leslie knitted me a shawl – one of the most gorgeous things I’ve ever seen in my life… something that almost begs to be framed instead of worn, though I’m not quite sure how I’d manage it. It’s beautiful and I’m TERRIFIED I’m going to do something to it, but it’s easily one of the most special presents I’ve ever received in my life.

And that my girls all came down, from out of town, and spent their hard earned money just to celebrate and hang out with me meant the world.

So life is going well.
Nothing is moving forward on the custody front – apparently they need more paperwork from me. That’s not frustrating at all. nope. Not at all. (yes, I’m gritting my teeth as I type this, what of it?)
I’m nervous about being the center of attention. Nervous about making a mistake.
Nervous about the fact that I still look like I swallowed a small midget and his horse and self conscious that those pictures are going to be the ones I have forever – instead of how young and beautiful I look I’ll never see past the weight.
I don’t like not knowing what’s next in my life and I am tired of living the life of a hermit.
I keep telling myself I have just another month to make it through before I can start saving money again, and move out of the apartment and back into the parents house – not an ideal, but definitely better than the other option, which is wasting my money on rent, over and over again.
I’m ready to get past this stage, to be able to stop living paycheck to paycheck.
I’m ready to contribute and find my sense of self worth that comes along with not overextending oneself.

I’m happy that’s coming up, if not happy that I’ll once again be giving up my privacy until the future makes itself slightly less murky.
It just doesn’t make sense to throw away $1000 on rent when that money could be used to save up for a house.

And so it’s back to adulthood.
Back to cleaning up the credit report that apparently is murky from lenders not realizing they no longer hold my student loans and therefore I can’t be late on payments to them…
Back to making sure that the car note is paid BEFORE it’s due rather than the day of.
Oh, and back to little luxuries. Like air filters for my car and, dare I say it, pants that go all the way to my shoes instead of my ankles.
How will I contain myself?!!?

I hope you all are great.
And I hope that your future, no matter how complicated, is as exciting and hopeful as mine is.

My wedding shawl from Leslie