The anatomy of cold feet.
July 8, 2009
I have cold feet.
No, I don’t doubt that I want to marry Nicholas.
I just doubt.
It’s not anything that really has rhyme or reason – simply put, I’m going insane.
Cold feet begins with a slight flutter.
Something catches you off guard – a wedding planning problem that you wouldn’t normally be bothered with gives you nightmares and suddently logical reasonable women like me are having nightmares about the different shades of chocolate linens.
Actual nightmares.
Then comes in the insomnia.
Cold feet leads to nights with a notebook in hand, trying to list as many things that you still have to do as possible – which becomes an IMPOSSIBLE list to keep up with and technically the person who has cold feet is nuts for even writing it, but there is a slight chance (in her mind) she’d be attacked by her in-laws if she didn’t both complete and obsess over every detail before the wedding.
Cold feet continues into the work day.
It laughs at sites like www.apracticalwedding.com and the notion that weddings are anything near practical and wants to give a voice to all the women in the world who have ever entered this strange panic that comes when the wedding is less than 100 days away.
The simple gorgeous ceremonies online mock a woman with cold feet as she makes her way through the wedding blog hemisphere.
“See what you could have had if ONLY HE had listened?!”
The rational side that still has a whisper of a voice chimes in with “But YOU were the one that wanted a party with all the family and friends, he just combined the two…”
Then the cold footed side knocks the rational side on it’s ass and the circle begins again.
I’m not losing it – at least not technically.
I’m just entering in a world that very few bloggers tell you about when they discuss they’re wedding planning…
So many are all sunshine and roses and for the most part, it is, but wedding planning, especially when you didn’t plan on planning a wedding in the first place, is NOT for the faint of heart.
You learn more about your relationship and the ins and outs of how you’ll respond to each other as a married couple than you could ever have imagined before picking out invitations.
You learn what’s important to him (the money) and what’s important to you (getting all the family and friends together in this One Event in your lifetime that they will be innermixed…) and you both sacrifice around each other in order to make it work.
Nothing in the past 4 1/2 years, including hospital visits, car accidents, health problems, moving long distance, custody battles, family tragedies and the normal ups and downs has given me the insight that planning a wedding has.
And I’m an incredibly observant person!
So, it’s scary.
Worthwhile, yes, but scary at the same time.
Many things I can look down the road and feel warm and fuzzy about, but some things set me back a little. (WHISKER HAIRS ON MY SINK!)
All in all, I’m excited and happy about my upcoming nuptuals, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop telling the truth on the days when my feet get a little chilly and I wonder if we can buy a duplex instead of a house so the evenings when I’m a video game widow won’t bug me as much.
I’m too honest.
And today, as happy as I am, I require socks for my cold feet.
Nerves.
July 8, 2009
Everything is getting on my nerves.
And I don’t mean annoying.
I mean I’m losing my mind.
For those of you that are NOT counting, which I’m expecting is everyone on the planet EXCEPT me, I’m getting married in 95 days.
And I really need a friend in town to keep me on my to do list, because I have MANY meetings and such that I need to put together to hand out money and do the final planning before the Big Day.
And I haven’t one clue how to start.
It should be a lot easier than it seems.
After all, how much does planning a meeting actually take out of your day?
Hardly anything.
Which reminded me today, when I panicked, that I need to refill my prescription, which may be part of the problem.
OCD can only kick in so much before it stops you in your tracks.
That’s the problem.
You look around and go, “Where the H, E, double hockeysticks to do I START?!!?”
And the answer is…
I don’t know.
I need to go over the song list so that I know what fits in where and meet with the DJ again.
I need to decide upon cake flavors and meet with the cake lady.
I need to figure out what I’m going to do about the groom’s cake, though I’m leaning towards doing a smaller wedding cake and doing other smaller cakes so that there is sort of a cake TABLE… and the wedding cake won’t end up being massive and hugely expensive.
I need to meet with the photographer and hash out those details.
I need to order the bells.
I need to order invites – I need Brian to finish them.
I need to finish the girls’ stuff.
I need to pick out shoes for them and Abbey.
I need to order Abbey and Allie’s dress.
I need to make sure Brayden gets fitted for his tux in time.
I need to make sure the guys have the tux info and realize I’m picking them up and when it’s time, I need to pick them up.
I need to meet with the caterer and make ANY decisions there.
I need to meet with the florist and finalize my ideas on that – that keep changing.
If I do the many cakes idea, I need to gather cake plates. I love cake plates.
I need to finish the guest book idea.
I need to buy props for the photo booth.
I need to sweet talk someone with a camera into manning it.
I need to gather stuff to keep the kids entertained.
I need to take Brayden to shop for material for his pillow.
I need to make my reception headpiece.
I need to buy rehearsal dinner shoes.
I need to make programs… and design them to print them out.
I need to make direction cards for folks to hand out on the way out of the church.
I need to make sure Nick and I have transportation and everyone has the accomodation locations – and that people that I know will procrastinate have somewhere to stay.
I need to make sure Nick has a flight down here – missing one would be not good.
And I’m curious as to what, if anything, we’re doing for our honeymoon.
I need to order linens.
I need to find out what sort of plates/silverware the caterer uses.
I need to order alcohol.
I need to buy underwear for under my dress.
I need to order Spanx for my fat butt.
I need to do my mock up hair appointment… and get my color updated so my stylist doesn’t kill me.
Actually plan the rehearsal dinner…
Do I need to order tables and chairs because the chairs are so ugly at the rehearsal dinner place?
Do I need to order linens for the chairs?
City information packets to rooms and stuff for the out-of-towners rooms.
Book hotel room for the wedding night…
Newspaper Announcements?
Do I really have to do a unity candle?
Gotta make sure everyone gets their dresses and stuff…
Gotta pick out readings for the ceremony – don’t want to do the usual stuff, want to make it US specific…
Make sure Nick has all the insurance info and stuff so I’m immediately covered…
Schedule fittings for my gown and make sure I don’t forget them… you know, when the gown comes in…
Accessories for my gown.
Make sure that I have someone in charge at the church and at the reception so I don’t go nuts.
I need to stop going nuts too.
And make sure I keep my meds on hand.
So I stop doing this…
Krista’s on the phone with me having to listen to my nutso-ness.
Like I said, Nerves.
*ETA*
Need kraft bags for italian cookies.
Do I need a label for the bags to be cute?
Do I need to use the other half of the reception hall?
True Love poem – where to add?
Order papers for my guestbook in colors that accent.
Make garter?
Are your ears ringing?
July 6, 2009
I can almost hear them ringing…
Excitement!
July 2, 2009
I’m so excited!
Abbey’s hair piece for the wedding came in and it’s gorgeous – even in my hair. Which means it will look even better in hers!
What do you guys think?
Light dawns on darkened brain.
July 1, 2009
I’m almost giddy I’m in such a good mood.
I don’t know why, really.
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that, unlike some people in my life, I didn’t have a massage therapist pull my hair in order to massage my scalp.
I’m not sure.
But for some reason today feels like a day full of possibilities, of smiles.
And maybe that will change – but I hope not.
Good moods are few and far between – at least the ones that are for no particular reason.
I’m excited about the details of the wedding. The fun things that are being put together – the details that other folks are helping me with.
The ideas.
I love ideas.
I had no idea how much I missed creativity – how that part of me has felt dampened for so long.
Has this wedding woken me up?
I’m not sure, but I know I don’t want this side to go away again.
For too long I’ve been driven by the analytical – and anyone can tell you that that’s just not who I am.
I’m not even sure how it happened.
For a paycheck? For a roof over my head?
All good reasons, but when did that become ALL of it?
I miss the me that has a soundtrack to life.
For a while now I’ve even stopped singing on the way to work in the morning.
WHO is that person that’s stopped singing?
I don’t know.
I really don’t.
But I’m going to find the one that did sing.
I’m not sure what Nick will think of this.
Especially since I’m not sure where it’s leading me.
I’m willing to work for a paycheck in something I hate for now.
But perhaps it’s even he that has inspired me to aim higher.
He loves what he does.
And has no idea what a liberty that is.
And I’m going to find something to do that I love.
And hopefully I’ll be good at it as well… as that always helps the success part.
Does it make it easier having backup?
Of course.
People reading this are no idiots.
I couldn’t afford to do it without his support.
But I do have his support.
And I have this awakening desire in me to find ME – a person I didn’t even realize was lost.
Now.
Well.
Now I just have to figure out where to start.
