Echoes.

I’m slowly but surely getting stonger.
In many ways.
Today, the way that I am able to focus the most on is muscular – mainly because I had a training session last night where my trainer decided I was entering a Strongman competition and therefore needed to press 3358123957823 pounds.
She was wrong.
And when my arms gave out and the bar very nearly cleaved in me in twain, she figured it out too.
And right when you’d think it would stop – it didn’t.
Instead, this devil of a woman spotted me, helped me pick it up and made me move even faster.
And her orders of “Hold for 3 seconds!” did nothing but make her have to hold the bar, because try as I might, after lifting the thing 90 times, I could NOT hold it in the air.
We were lucky I could still lift my arms period.

I hated her yesterday.
At least until I was finished.
Then we were friends again – all was well.
She had retracted her horns, I was able to smile again.
Though I still couldn’t lift my arms.

It makes it fun during the recovery days.
My back itches – mosquitos are rampant these days.
So, I get to have a fun little… um… remedy to the problem.
I pull out a file drawer and scratch my back as though I’m a horse.
It’s sexy.

But it doesn’t help distract me from other things going on.
Like Nick coming into town tomorrow… !!!!!!…!!!!!
Wedding counseling starting for Real, yo.
Engagement party.
Oh, and the flame war that erupted on my blog the other day.

You didn’t think I was going to mention it, did you?
I hadn’t planned on it.
But it’s been eating at me.
And today’s entry is about strength, after all.

For most of my days I spend time in sheer panic mode.
For reasons I can mention and for reasons I cannot.
I laugh and tell jokes to those around me to fill my brain with anything else.
And wedding planning has – strangely enough – become my solace.
Yes, I’m lucky to be able to plan an actual wedding with the man that I love.  Or… let’s be honest.  I’m lucky to be able to plan our wedding all by myself for him to show up to.
I’m lucky that we don’t have a mortgage at this time.  I’m lucky that he makes enough money to make sure the big expenditures can be paid when it’s time to pay them.
I’m lucky.

That doesn’t mean that there aren’t bad times.
Making what I make and supporting the things that I need to support means that things stay tight.
Worrying about legal matters and paying for those means that dreams of owning my own home or being able to spend money as I wish are in the future, not the present.
Worrying about the health of those around me – the people I love who tend to use a distraction method much like my own (Mrs. D, you know who you are!)
Cancer, deaths, legal battles on several fronts, a future that has absolutely no planned path, a family that is falling apart at the seams, – all of those add up to a person that has many more layers than a registry and a wedding.

I don’t see anything wrong with indulging dreams and fantasies, even when other things aren’t going great.
I don’t see anything wrong with embracing the fact that I am so very lucky on many fronts, and avoiding the topic of the ones that I’m less fortunate in.

I’m not going to be able to have a big gorgeous house like Leslie, to travel to Australia like Jackie, to buy cocktail dresses and actually have a place to wear them like Krista, to work out and be toned and gorgeous like Christy, to live in NYC and live the fantasy life like Bern (okay, minus the work schedule) or to go to grad school and be mega-educated like Laurie.
And that’s okay.
Those are THEIR fortunate things.
Not mine.

And like all fortunate things, they all have a grey side.
Leslie would hand me her mortgage payment in a minute, and the job market is killer for those like Laurie at the moment.

Very rarely are things ALL good or ALL bad.
They simply are things.

I’ve reached the age of 29 – a wise ole young age – realizing that I know exactly enough to get me through day to day – and not enough to help many others do the same.
My mistakes have led me exactly where I am.
And I carry no weight that I haven’t earned.
And especially no weight that other people attempt to place on my shoulders.

The people I love are many.
I love openly and people of many different personalities.
Some of you are total asses.  You know this, I know this… and because I share the same trait, we love this about one another.
Some of you are darlings – people that are seriously angels on Earth and I will never be able to stand next to your glowing character without feeling lucky just to have known you.
Some of you are simply stickers.  Loyal, good friends who would fight for me or next to me – and I you.
And I love you all.

But your gripes with each other are not my own.
Disagreeing with a statement is different than a character flaw.
I’m not entirely sure why the comments went the direction they did.
I’ve never had anything happen like that before.
I’m more than willing to discuss it in a non-public forum.
But out of respect for everyone I love, I will not discuss any pointed comments made here… in my space.

Disagree with mass abandon to anything anyone says here.
But respect my space – there is a hedge of protection around those who visit.
Please don’t make it personal.
I like my house of cards in tact.