Echoes.

Today is one of those days where I wonder what exactly I’ve gotten myself into.
Although I tend to keep a level head on my shoulders when confronting problems, I’ve found myself in a situation of my own making that I’m treading water in.
My skin, my body is fighting back against this nameless weight.

I’d love to say that my plans are concrete, that my future is sure, that I know what I’m doing, but more than anything I’m just working in agreement with the Hope Factor.
I HOPE things turn out my way.
I HOPE I know what I’m doing.
I HOPE Abbey and I end up okay.

I’m not sure.

Reading through journal entries of the past few years made me angry all over again.  Fighting this battle for so long would make the strongest of strong weary and yet I can’t rest for a moment.

I wonder if they really understand what it’s like to walk in my shoes, or if they even care.
More than likely the narcissism that runs rampant through their brains keeps them from awareness of anything other than that which disturbs their life’s plan.

I’d like to think that one day this incredible knot in my stomach will relax, that the worry will have room to dissipate, that Abbey will be with me, that our future will be bright and together and easy.
But every day now I’m facing the realization that that may not happen.
That every day might bring a surprise, that someone might usurp my place, that I may soon feel a pain I can only imagine now.

Please don’t let them get custody, Lord.
She won’t make it through that okay.