Echoes.

When I think about things that will define this period in my life later, I’d imagine it will be the pure stress of the moment.
I can’t stop myself from expressing that to everyone that passes, even the strangers on the street.
Being stressed about my life doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying certain aspects though – but I find that hard to express that and express the stress level at the same time.

I’m not ready to go through this court battle.
Is anyone ever ready?

She knew I had a meeting on Tuesday.
I didn’t tell her it was with my lawyer, but because I didn’t, she knew.  We talked about the fact that I can’t tell her anything after we met with her attorney initially and so when I’m quiet about something, she knows.
She asked if everything was okay.
I told her absolutely that it was.
She smiled and hugged on to me for a while.
I know what she fears and I can’t really alleviate them – or my own.
Heck, I can’t even speak about them.

But her asking to have her teeth removed during time when she’s with me, or refusing to get her braces on while she’s at her father’s house tells me that she knows the truth, even if her consciousness doesn’t accept it.

Wedding planning has been stressful as well, though it’s a fun and exciting prospect, on top of everything else it becomes a list of details that I forget or deadlines that are approaching too fast for me to do anything about.
Money weighs over my head constantly – for all that I talk to Nick about what we need to do, he hasn’t yet been forthcoming with any of the cash needed to help with the wedding.
And there are other reasons there – good ones, so it’s not as though he’s being a bad guy.
He wants to make sure our savings handles it all and I get that.

But it just adds to the stress.

Mom got a huge raise though – one she majorly deserves – and that will keep me from worrying about wolves being at their door.
Ironically enough, I never actually have to worry about their financial stability, but working where I do makes me worry about everyone’s.  But they’re fine. 
Nick and I are fine.
I really should find something else to worry about.

So, mainly I’m just stressed.
Worried about Abbey – worried about her future, that her father doesn’t get WHY I’m worried now worries me even more, worried because I know that I can provide a more stabile rich environment for her.
The life of a parent.
It’s hard to hope for the future so hard and pray for things to go well with all that you love in the past and the now.

We just all have to end up okay.
And not just physically.
Just HAVE to.