Echoes.

Today is one of those days where I wonder what exactly I’ve gotten myself into.
Although I tend to keep a level head on my shoulders when confronting problems, I’ve found myself in a situation of my own making that I’m treading water in.
My skin, my body is fighting back against this nameless weight.

I’d love to say that my plans are concrete, that my future is sure, that I know what I’m doing, but more than anything I’m just working in agreement with the Hope Factor.
I HOPE things turn out my way.
I HOPE I know what I’m doing.
I HOPE Abbey and I end up okay.

I’m not sure.

Reading through journal entries of the past few years made me angry all over again.  Fighting this battle for so long would make the strongest of strong weary and yet I can’t rest for a moment.

I wonder if they really understand what it’s like to walk in my shoes, or if they even care.
More than likely the narcissism that runs rampant through their brains keeps them from awareness of anything other than that which disturbs their life’s plan.

I’d like to think that one day this incredible knot in my stomach will relax, that the worry will have room to dissipate, that Abbey will be with me, that our future will be bright and together and easy.
But every day now I’m facing the realization that that may not happen.
That every day might bring a surprise, that someone might usurp my place, that I may soon feel a pain I can only imagine now.

Please don’t let them get custody, Lord.
She won’t make it through that okay.

When I think about things that will define this period in my life later, I’d imagine it will be the pure stress of the moment.
I can’t stop myself from expressing that to everyone that passes, even the strangers on the street.
Being stressed about my life doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying certain aspects though – but I find that hard to express that and express the stress level at the same time.

I’m not ready to go through this court battle.
Is anyone ever ready?

She knew I had a meeting on Tuesday.
I didn’t tell her it was with my lawyer, but because I didn’t, she knew.  We talked about the fact that I can’t tell her anything after we met with her attorney initially and so when I’m quiet about something, she knows.
She asked if everything was okay.
I told her absolutely that it was.
She smiled and hugged on to me for a while.
I know what she fears and I can’t really alleviate them – or my own.
Heck, I can’t even speak about them.

But her asking to have her teeth removed during time when she’s with me, or refusing to get her braces on while she’s at her father’s house tells me that she knows the truth, even if her consciousness doesn’t accept it.

Wedding planning has been stressful as well, though it’s a fun and exciting prospect, on top of everything else it becomes a list of details that I forget or deadlines that are approaching too fast for me to do anything about.
Money weighs over my head constantly – for all that I talk to Nick about what we need to do, he hasn’t yet been forthcoming with any of the cash needed to help with the wedding.
And there are other reasons there – good ones, so it’s not as though he’s being a bad guy.
He wants to make sure our savings handles it all and I get that.

But it just adds to the stress.

Mom got a huge raise though – one she majorly deserves – and that will keep me from worrying about wolves being at their door.
Ironically enough, I never actually have to worry about their financial stability, but working where I do makes me worry about everyone’s.  But they’re fine. 
Nick and I are fine.
I really should find something else to worry about.

So, mainly I’m just stressed.
Worried about Abbey – worried about her future, that her father doesn’t get WHY I’m worried now worries me even more, worried because I know that I can provide a more stabile rich environment for her.
The life of a parent.
It’s hard to hope for the future so hard and pray for things to go well with all that you love in the past and the now.

We just all have to end up okay.
And not just physically.
Just HAVE to.